Hey there Freaky Darlings. I realize things lately have been sparse. I was doing so good, it hurt so much to fall behind. really it was a lack of content meets a cross roads. You see I feel that I’m falling behind on my primary goal for the site. The original goal for this site was to host my different series here in an effort to get picked up and published. Not to mention that fact that it’s becoming very apparent I need not only a break, but a need to work on my home life. I’ve not balanced it very well. So as much as I hate to do it…I need to put things on Hiatus.
The bright side is when I get back I will be refreshed and ready to go. Not to mention you are gonna have some real kick ass content coming up. For now though this process:
PARDON OUT STAR DUST…WE WILL BE REACHING FOR THE STARS…GET READY FOR SOMETHING INCREDIBLE
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings
Kirby Power? More like Kirby Fail!
The other day I told you the weekly rage comic for the week was inspired by an event involving some vacuum salesman. I have to share with you the whole story. It’s rather entertaining. I would also like to add that this is probably going to be a far cry from the write up they thought they were going to get. Not to say that the salesman were all bad. They were pretty cool. However, the company they worked for screwed them over from the get go. False advertisement never bodes well with the consumer, just a FYI.
First the hustle! So get this phone call from a company called American Eagle. According to them they are moving into the area, and wanted to give a few people free cleaning and see if they could spread their reputation around a little. To explain why I fell for it, there actually is an American Eagle carpet cleaning company in the next city over. So, why would it be hard to believe a company like them could be moving in? Apparently, it should have been harder to believe than what it was. Still though I was swept up in joy. The little Psychotik had a birthday party that weekend. It was going to be nice having the carpets cleaned professionally at no charge. Lesson learned, if it’s free…it’s probebaly not worth it!
I set the appointment up for that Wednesday, and I thought everything was going to be awesome. When they showed up to the door, I saw now van or heavy equipment. Just two guy with two bags. That’s when I noticed, their bags said Kirby! I had heard of Kirby vacuum salesman…nothing good I assure you. I was like, “Hello? How can I help you?” They explained they were from American Eagle and that they were here to demonstrate the Kirby vacuum for me. I explained to them what I was told. They never really seemed to acknowledge that fact. Still the started the pitch and the demo. I have to say, the vacuum portion for the time being was pretty impressive. Or seemed to be. You see they used these little white disks to catch the dirt to show you how much it was pulling out of the carpet. They also had to vacuum for quite some time to get it “Clean”. And being in since they were only using the disk, for all I knew that could have still been the same amount my vacuum pulls out. I let them go on though, they were doing something and I didn’t have to. When we moved to mini-Psychotik’s room…thats when things got lengthy. They vacuumed out the whole thing, then proceeded to show me the carpet shampoo feature. It did pretty good. About as good as a Rug Doctor, but pretty good. Now supposedly, it was supposed to dry in an hour and a half (that was after being told on the phone 30 minutes.) They thought they had me. Especially when I asked them how much they wanted for one. Apparently the bestthey could do for me was $1000…Sorry gentleman but I have way better things can do with $1000 dollars than purchase a substandard vacuum with a few bells and whistles. You may be asking yourself were this came from? It seemed as if I was okay with it. Let me tell you why it’s substandard…
My professional evaluation of the Kirby vacuum goe as follows…it sucks and my sinuses hate it even worst. As good as the thing appears to clean, it lacks a very important element of todays current cleaners…a filtration system. Hell, you can go to Walmart right now and for $30 get a vacuum that at least has 3 filters. One of them at least being a hepa filter. The Kirby had none and we all paid for it in the night and day following. You see darlings, no matter how good a vacuum is, if you have no air filters on it, your just throwing all of that deep cleaned mess into the air. That was strike one, here goes strike two. Remember when I told you the floor was supposed to dry in 1 hour and a half. It didn’t fully dry until Friday afternoon. I seriously almost took my Bissell over it just to dry it up. It was ridiculous. And he spent forever on it making pass, after pass, after pass to dry te floor better. The last strike of course is the price tag. I could take $1000 and buy an awesome Dyson and a Rug Doctor and still have some money to play with. No to mention that fact they may last longer.
Lesson learned, if a company offers you a free cleaning ask more questions on the phone. It’s a shame that they couldn’t have been more honest.I still don’t think I would have turned them down if they would have been more honest with me. Now I would, because I know what their craptastic vacuum does to my sinuses! Originally though I would not have. Well, that’s all the time for today. By the way, I’m not late with a review of Marvel’s The Avengers, I have not been able to see it yet. No cash equals no bueno. I do have every plan to go see it this Thursday though. So look for it about Friday.
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
p.s Never look for Kirby Vacuum cleaners on the internet. Now everytime I go looking for an image of Kirby for the site, it redirects me to a fucking vacuum site. FUCK YOU KIRBY!!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
A Modest Proposal…(Not about eating babies)
Good Evening, Freaky Darlings! It’s time for the weekly rage comic! This one was inspired by my experiance with Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence and long time Encyclopedia Psychotika fan Joe Edenfield! Enjoy!!!
Not a True Story…lol
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darling,
Happy Psychotik Easter!!!
Happy Easter, My Freaky Darlings! it’s a wonderful day in the Psychotik neighborhood. You know I tried finding you all some interesting tidbits about Easter for this article. Sadly, I can find none! Really I was trying to find out where the hell a rabbit that lays eggs became the head of a religious holiday. Truth be told, it looks like absolutely no one knows. Best I can tell the Rabbit (or as in the old German tales…Hare) is mostly from German Myth. If I read correctly it had something to do with the way people wanted to celebrate traditionally, but not traditionally? At any rate, America was the one that finally made it commercial in the 1800’s. The coloring of eggs was the most interesting I found info on. You see, the reason they ended up doing so much with eggs has two parts. One had to do with the fact there was some kind of fasting holiday right before. Since everyone fasted, there was an over abundance of eggs. Second part had something to do with the adoption of a pagan spring ritual. The eggs represented fertility, and the bright colors came from dying the eggs with the fresh spring flowers. Other than that, the trail runs cold….except for one interesting thing!
As you all know, I do love the Krampus. But why isn’t there a version of the Krampus for Easter? I searched and searched and search….sure enough! I found it!!! Do any of you remember a little movie called Dogma? Do you remember the Golgothan? Well that’s it! The Golgothan Shit Demon is the Krampus of Easter. You see, the Easter Bunny took over the Holiday, much like Santa did Christmas. And as Krampus is the opposite of Santa…the Shit Demon is the same to Easter Bunny. Let me catch you up to speed with a quote from the Muse:
“Yeah, well it wasn’t just Christ up there – the Romans crucified everybody on that hill. And Christ excluded, they were all criminals – killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon – Hell’s chief assassin. And he’s here for you, girlie.” Serendipity, Dogma
Now that you know “What” the Golgothan is…let me tell you where he fit’s in. You see…He’s not really an assassin for Hell…Oh No! The Golgothan punishes children for being bad. If you have been a little brat between Christmas and Easter (Which some kids are…Hey Santa already came they don’t have to start being good until at least July!) Easter Bunny doesn’t visit you…he does. You know what he does? He leaves you a basket…a basket full of steamy, ripe shit! The worst part is, your parents don’t believe in the Golgothan…SO THEY BLAME IT ON YOU!!! You get Shit all over the place and you get blamed for it! Plus your parents will most likely make you clean it…you loose all around! So, remember kids…be good….JUST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE GOOD!!!
This is all just in good fun. In no way am I poking fun at anyone’s religion. I believe everyone has the right to believe in what ever they so please…unless it’s diehard Creationism…THE EARTH IS OLDER THAN 6000 YEARS!!! SCIENCE PROVES THIS!!! SCIENCE ALSO PROVES WE DIDN’T RIDE T-REX’S LIKE FUCKING PONIES!!! I do wish everyone a Happy Easter regardless of how you celebrate it! And as for the Golgothan…thats Kevin Smith’s brain child…and he can have it!!! So, don’t worry there is no poop in any childs basket…unless their parents are into that…or you believe in The Easter Bunny like in the movie Hop. Cause in that case, all children have poop in their basket!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Moving on up!
Hello, my Freaky Darlings! I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is after all of these years of trying I have hit the big time. Yep, Good ol’ Malice will be joining the ranks of those fine people at Fangoria Magazine! Turns out they came across a few of my interviews, and loved them. Looks like it’s sure to be easy streak from here on out! Now for the bad news…
The bad news is, my brand is bought. Yep, I’ll have to shut down the site to work there. No more HHN News, No more reviews….Nothing. TO TOP THAT OFF…I will be moving to Dublin, Ireland. So, I take this time to say Good Bye to friends and family…I love you all not nearly of you as much as I should, and love a lot more of you more than you deserve.
Inclosing, I have but one final thing to say…..
Are you kidding me? Like I would sell out!? I couldn’t leave you guys! I know you all (All 5 of you) couldn’t live a day without me. I am trying to hit it big time, but I’m not willing to sell who I am or my brand. Yeah, I know this was cheesy and you all saw through it…and The above would be awesome as hell…and I just made myself sad…but
A Friend in Need, is a Friend Indeed…
Hello, my dear Freaky Darlings! It’s a wonderful Friday afternoon is it not? Well I don’t know because I’ve lately had to regress back to a semi-nocternal state. You know with work and all…Anyway, I would like to take some time to give a shout out to some good friends of mine!
Now, you might think from the title of the article that this may have something to do with the an odd subject matter… If that’s what you guessed you might be right!!! (Just in the wrong way) No, this has nothing to do with Placebo’s one-hit wonder song “Pure Morning”….However, it does have everything to do with Master Artist Matt Garner and his wife Craft Mistress Heather Garner. You see, the two mentioned are bringing into the world, a mad man of their very own breed and pedigree. (hoping of course that it is a breed that doesn’t drool, mess the floor, bite, or otherwise hump your leg!) Really this couldn’t happen to better people! The two of them are going to make great parents. Unfortunately, Tragedy has struck our beloved duo, as bad things usually do to good people! So instead of being able to enjoy a little bit of time worry free, they find themselves struggling!
Good thing for them, they are talented! Both have a website of their very own advertising goodies for sale. Matt’s site can be found =>http://questionthemajority.deviantart.com/. Matt is an excellent artist and can draw just about anything. And for the price, how can you refuse?
Next, we have the lovely Heather Garner with her web store.=> http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/studio/OddmentsandTweaks/4/1/0/ Heather is a very talented woman. I actually had the pleasure of buying some of her marvelous crafts this past Christmas. I’ve seen even more of what she is capable of outside of whats on the website. She is a true genius of the trade.
These twof ine speciemen of humanoid could use some help. Stop in and buy something nice for you or yours! If you’re not interested, pass it along and see if someone else is. Pay it forward loves! A little help can go a long way Darlings….AND BY THE WAY….Incase you all didn’t catch from the Facebook Page…The Psychotik’s have recently gotten off of vacation. A couple of days ago to be exact! I’m currently trying to resort things out as it were. With two sick female Psychotik’s and a heavy work load at work…well it’s hard to push content…BUT DO EXPECT SOME SOON!!!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
P.S. Be sure to check out Matt Garner’s Ask Dr. Robotnik Tumblr…You will laugh until you die and then you will die some more….or is that laugh some more…same diffrence…
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FREAKY DARLINGS!!!
I would just like to take a little time out of the day to wish all of my Freaky Darlings a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday. Whether you belive in Jesus, Santa, Cthulhu, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster…I do hope you are having a most excellent day! So far the day is well. The little one was spoiled by Seras and Myself as well as Santa….as per usual! lol I’m currently enjoying the Magic that is the Roku 2 XS. I’m in love with this little box! Wish I was done with Arkham Asylum because I now have Arkham City. hoping to enjoy some dinner with the family a little later.
As far as content goes for after the Holidays, I have some pretty good stuff planned for you all. I have interviews coming up that I know you all will enjoy! So everybody stretch out, enjoy your loot, veg out, get fat, and be merry! It’s Christmas for crying out loud!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ENCYCLOPEDIA PSYCHOTIKA!!!
A Special Psychotik Happy Birthday Wish!!
I would like to take some time here just before Midnight, to make a Happy Birthday wish! Happy Birthday to Joe Edenfeild of Okeechobee, Fl!! This man was the very first fan to the site, the first person to add the fan page, the first person to sign up for E-mail updates….(the first to show up at my mock convention event!!! Ha Ha!!) At any rate he has always been one of my top supporters along with a few others. It’s been a whole year since this site first went active and Joe has been there the whole way. Thank you Joe for all you do and I hope your birthday was a good one brother!!!
To the rest of my Freaky Darlings out there, I have some interesting things coming your way…and all though the last month has been pretty quiet, I have had a moment of clarity (A moment I’m sure I will share with you!) and am feeling a lot better. So prepare yourselves!!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
A Very Psychotik Mother’s Day to You…
Well, with Mother’s Day winding down to a close I feel that I should make a small post. A small post wishing all my Momma’ Freaky Darlings a very Happy Mother’s Day. Most of all though, I want to wish the First Lady of Encyclopedia Psychotika one more time Happy Mother’s Day…
Seras Psychotik, oh what that name means to me. A Mother, a Warrior, a Damn good cook, and what a sweet ass…My day would not be complete without looking upon you. You are my muse, my passion, my ultimate desire…Thank you for being you my love…
Hope all went well with everyone’s day…Here’s to next year…
A Holiday Message From Malice Psychotik…
It’s that time of year my freaky darlings! The Chaos is almost over. The last call has rung at most of the stores. If you don’t have it you won’t get it. All you have is tonight and tomorrow, then Christmas is out-of-the-way and the drunken debauchery that is New Years Eve is next. I would just like to take the time now to say something of great importance. A cautionary tale if you will…Beware of the Krampus!
What is the Krampus you may ask? The Krampus is a very old accomplice of our very own Santa Clause. You see the Krampus was who naughty children saw instead of Jolly old St. Nick. Apparently the story goes, if you were a naughty child, The Krampus would come in the middle of the night and beat you with a large hickory stick and a rusty chain. If you were really rotten, he would take you in his sack, and drag you to hell…I’m so not shitting you. To make it worse this is still a current story in most places! Now there are different variations of the Krampus, but this about sums the creepy asshole up.
Now I know most of you out there are scratching you head and calling me full of it, but I assure you he’s not. Google it! At any rate, I wanted to make sure all My Little Freaky Darlings out there knew of this beast. So if you have a little one, makes sure you tell them what Uncle Malice said: If you’re a bad little rotten egg of a brat, the Krampus is going to kick your ass and poo in your stocking (You can leave out the drag you to hell, I want your kid to actually sleep tonight and not shoot you when you walk in the bedroom) I love you all, and have a Merry ChristmaHaunaKwanzika! What ever you celebrate, I hope you have a good one!
p.s. No I did not go back in time and make this up…not that I know of yet
New Additions to come soon!!!
Yes, you read right My Freaky Darlings!! I’m going to be expanding content very soon to include a little more of the Psychotik touch. The first expansion I’m hoping to get working into before the end of this month. It will be a web comic of the likes you have never seen (And if you have seen it, it’s ten million times better). I’ll break it down for you:
Shaggy and Todd: In the future the world is run by the corporations. Metro cities have sprung up all over the country. Gangs run wild and plenty! In all of this madness, law enforcement and military can’t keep up. Do to the rise in crime, a new set of enforcers have stepped up to the plate: Bounty Hunters. These bounty hunters are fueled by the powers of advanced technology and genetic alteration. With all the chaos in the world, who will stand up? Who will defend the innocent? Who will right the wrongs? Who will stand strong against the evil of the Corporations and the crushing might of the gangs? WHO WILL BE THERE TO BLOW SHIT UP!? Shaggy and Todd are there to answer the call! Two genetically altered action junkies fueled by the desire to kick-ass, make money, and incinerate a city block in the process! You will see Evil Corporate Slim, Twisted Chemists, Insane Engineers, Clown-Motorcycle Gangs, and Super Powered Female Nazis!!! It’s an action packed thrill ride that you won’t want to miss!! So, grab some pop-corn, a soda, and cuddle your favorite explosives! Shaggy and Todd is sure to blow your mind!!
“It’s a Psychotik World“: Tired of your usual animal show? Ghost hunting shows seem a bit stale? Then does Encyclopedia Psychotika have the enema for you!!! Enter “It’s a Psychotik World” where your host (yours truly) takes you on a wild journey to find the worlds most elusive creatures and most terrifying specters! See as me and my crew hunt down the mighty Skunk Ape or catch us as we investigate a haunting that will leave you wanting more. Anything is possible in this messed up world! If it’s out there, we will find it (or make a fool out of ourselves trying)!
Tales from the Malicious Mansion: So long time followers of the site are probably VERY excited to hear this announcement! Tales from the Malicious Mansion is going to be a collection of short stories that you will DIE to read more! These tales are not for the fait of heart (and for some not the week of bladder)! See the horror genre taken back to its roots and rediscover terror. From twisted butchers to chainsaw wielding maniacs to a couple with a penchant for murder, these tales are guaranteed to have you begging like a zombie begs for brains!
These are the big things that I’m wanting to come your way soon enough! I’m sure you will enjoy all of them. I will still be doing interviews, reviews, and a few movie news reports (I realize I’ve been lacking in that department, but get ready for some soon). You may have also noticed that there is no Dusker of the Month this month. No I didn’t forget, you can kind of consider it Mr. Chainsaw and Ricardo Del Muerto. There interview with me posted a little while back on From Dusk Till Con. I will be posting the re-run of that article this Monday for all my freaky darlings that may not have caught it first time round! I’m cooking up a few reviews for you right now, movie and game! So be prepared for those to be coming within the next couple of days! ALSO be sure to keep an eye out for an interview with the newest member of the Madhouse!!
Until Next Time. My Freaky Darlings,
P.S. I would like to take some time right now to thank all of my readers and the people who have helped me on my way this whole time. Thank you Mr. Chainsaw for getting me to do this in the first place. You took a chance on me, and so far it looks like a good one! I promise I won’t let you down, and this relationship between the sites is going to turn into a MASSIVE juggernaut! Thank You to all of the celebs that I have interviewed! You have all been great. It was so great getting to chat with all of you and I hope you keep us updated so my readers and I can keep up! Thanks to all of my friends out there that shamelessly spread the word! I love you guys! Thank you to Joe for giving me at least one view a day! Back when the site would be lucky to get one view a day, I always knew who that one view was!! Thank you to all of the readers out there that have been blowing up the site and viewing like crazy! Without you guys, there would be no point to my typing! Thank you for reading, and I hope you stay with and spread the infection! Adding in another special thank you…THANK YOU TO THE DUSKER NATION!! You guys are awesome and I will never forget my roots! Expect Dusker of the Month to resume next month! Last and finally I want to thank my girls, Seras and Jazmin. Without you there is not a whole lot of point for this madman to exist. Thank you for helping me through sleepless nights, and putting up with my grumpy ass the next morning! Thank you everybody for the last 5 months and here’s to years more! If you are reading this, know that Malice Psychotik loves you all!!!
A Change in Plans…
Hello, My Freaky Darlings…
Well as some of you may know I had a few plans coming up in October. I was going to Spooky Empire’s Ultimate Horror Weekend. There I was going to get some really good interviews, catch some really good shows, and review a convention. Life it seems has interrupted those plans! That is not what fate has chosen to put in my way. I’m a little disappointed. I was looking forward to meeting some good people and delivering My Freaky Darlings some pretty cool interviews. As those aren’t happening, I do apologize. There is still some rather cool coverage coming up from some rather epic people. But as far as the extra-special cool interview I originally promised you, it is no more…….but did you really think i would let that stop me My Freaky Darlings…..
This Mad Man is cooking up something monstrously epic for you! It’s time this Psychotik goes back to his roots. Back to the start of where my October fun came from. I’m going to offer you an epic review, but it’s going to be on something I’m an expert at. As far as interviews go, hang on to your freak hats, because I’m lining up some stuff I’m sure to impress. My plans might have been changed, but I’ll still deliver you the madness you crave….Hang on to your seats, this is going to be a truly FRIGHTENING ride!
P.S. I hope you all enjoy the new layout….
The Root Du Jour
OK, so I was very brave the other day. I tried a meal that was so strange, I couldn’t belive my taste buds. Before I tell you the details of how to make it, I’ll tell you how the idea sparked.
So the other day I was talking to one of my partners in internet social corruption, The Primal Root. He was telling me about his plans for the night, when he mentioned he was going to have his favorite hamburger treat. It was a Hamburger topped with banana, pineapple, and peanut butter! I was just dumb founded. How do you figure out these things go well on a hamburger? It was then I made the solemn promise to try this for myself. After all, I pride myself on the unusual tastes that I myself posses (Oriental Meatloaf anyone…?) I even said I would make it a custom meal devoted to tastes inspired by him. I added to this meal a drink Root introduced to me a couple of years back, called the Stiff Root. What was the verdict?
Absolutely delicious! The Flavors in this meal were off the chart! The hamburger had such a different, but very cool taste to it. The peanut butter, pineapple, and banana’s complement each other so well…it was divine. Couple that with a nice glass of Stiff Root and a side of Nathans fries…it was just awesome. Want to make one of your own?
It’s important to know I will never give you exact measurements on spices. I myself do not know how much i put in. I just season to taste.
The Root Du Jour
1) Mix 1bs hamburger meat with one egg, onion powder, garlic powder and pepper in a bowl. Roll into balls and then make into patties. It will yield 4 medium-sized patties. Cook them on a skillet on high heat to preference.
2) Spread peanut butter on both sides of the bun.
3) Cut banana into slices. Place on the peanut butter.
4) Spread pineapple on top. I used Crushed, but really it doesn’t matter.
5) Serve with Nathans fries and a Stiff Root
Stiff Root is Half and Half Jagermeister and Root Beer Schnapps. Serve in a glass for full effect.
If your brave enough to try it, I promise a good meal…and a pretty good buzz too!
A Moment to Ponder…
To know me, you would know I come up with some rather interesting thoughts. I figured, why not take the time and share those ideas. So, the other day I sat down and wrote some of the first things that came to mind. Just some random ideas that I figured I could explore here for you all to see. This is what I came up with:
1) What if Japanese Anime was real life?
Could you imagine? Think of all the endless possibilities. Now the reason I didn’t isolate it to one anime for a reason. Just in general. Japanese Anime brings to life some of the most creative, impossible ideas I have ever seen. Wether it is a teenage girl being transported to feudal Japan via a well (Inuyasha), or an alternate universe where Alchemy triumphed over Physics (Full Metal Alchemist) . It would all make life very interesting. Even worlds like Poke’mon or Yu-Gi-Oh! would have potential to spice up life a little. Come on a world where all of life’s battles are solved with a dual between super powered monsters, or a card game? Much better than what we have right now, that’s for sure. For the sake of discussion though, why not limit it down to three worlds I think would be fun. I say I have to go with Naruto, Bleach, or Full Metal Alchemist. Why those? Simple really! Ninjas are freakin’ awesome! Watch or Read Naruto and that will paint a much bigger picture for you. Bleach? Well I’m already a believer as far as the paranormal is concerned. Taking that idea, and coming up with a secret group of “Soul Reapers” to hunt down the good and help them pass, and vanquish the evil…..well intrigues me. It’s like they are souped up Ghost Busters.Only instead of a proton pack, they use their very own spiritual energy. Finally, we come to Full Metal Alchemist. This story is a lot like us anyway. Hell, the whole world is supposed to be a parallel universe to our own. The difference, Alchemy advanced further than Physics. Same world, funn-er science. Works for me!!
2) What if I came to work dressed as The Joker?
I’m interested to know. Honestly, I expect a lot of strange looks from old people. But would it make people nervous. What about the really rude people? If you got all “Joker” on them, would they really keep running their mouth?. I could see it now, “Listen buddy! I want you to get your ass back behind the counter and shut your fuckin’ mouth!” “How about a magic trick instead? I’m going to make this pencil….disappear…” Even something as simple as them starting to cuss you out, and just giving the those familiar looks would be a gas for me! I’m sure in a day you would have some people questioning your mental sanity, but on the complete positive side, you may have one of the least stressful days of your life. “You idiots never get anything right! I don’t know why I come back here, because you are all a bunch of Fuck Ups!!” “You wanna know how I got these scars?”
3) How great would it be to put an angry badger in the back seat of someone’s car?
I’ve heard of people putting anything from snakes to spiders in someone’s car. However, I have never heard of someone putting an angry badger in someone’s car! I for one am for this! I could just imagine someone getting off of work. It’s been a hard day, they’re tired. They get into the car, lock the door, and start the car. Then they hear it, the low pitch growl of pissed off badger that has been in the car for at least on hour. They turn to grab the door, then it’s to late, the badger unleashes hell. This is the kind of situation that you wait around the corner with a video camera, because this HAS to go on YouTube. I see it going viral within an hour. The real question is, who gets this done to them. It has to be someone that has REALLY pissed you off. I don’t really think the badger would kill them (Then again I don’t know much about badgers other than they are cool and real easy to piss off) Still, the thought alone makes me laugh. “Whats that sound…? OH GOD IT’S A FUCKING BADGER!! GET IT OFF ME!! GET IT OFF! WHY GOD!? WHY!!!!?”
4) Has anybody’s life been saved by House?
Some might say this is a ridiculous thing to think about, but I beg to differ. That show deals with so many long shot cases and exotic disease it’s hard to belive how it couldn’t. Now I know Hugh Laurie hasn’t personally saved anyone like that, but surely there are real doctors out there that watch the show. I just wonder if there ever has been a person that went to the E.R with on of these of the wall illnesses, and because of the show, it was recognized. For example, Johnny Trainwreck over here goes to the E.R and they can’t figure out whats wrong with him. He’s been in for 2 days, and he’s declining. This guy is dying fast. Then a doctor (Let’s call him Dr. Television) goes, “Oh my God! I just figured it out! He has the same symptoms as such and such, so on and so forth, from House the other day!”
5) Why are there no Pocky vendors at horror conventions?
You know I think this is the one thing missing that could quite possibly set the difference between an awesome convention and a truely epic convention. If you’ve never had Pocky, you haven’t lived! It’s the greatest treat ever invented. Almost like the recipe was created by God him/herself and delivered to this life to give all a true taste of heaven. Maybe I’m over exaggerating a bit, but they are really good. And there are literally hundred of different types. All kinds of flavors and styles. The only thing that could top it would be having Ramune with it! And before you all start saying, “But Malice, those belong at anime conventions!?” Well I say fuck you in your conservative, right-wing ass! I want my Pocky and Ramune! Something that delicious should not be limited to just anime conventions. I mean, are you really going to let the anime conventions have ALL the fun!
Well that’s all I really have to ponder about for now. Not really sure what you should be taking from all of this, but then again you don’t either so I suppose we are even.
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Seras “Super Spider Slayer” Psychotik
I owe this to my woman. Some may not know this, but I’m a severe arachnophobia. I can’t handle the things! Just something about them, I don’t know. I thought long and hard about posting this story. However, I decided that I’m OK with admitting my phobia, and I’m OK with admitting what an awesome wife I have!
So this is what happened. We were heading out to run some errands yesterday. Seras and the baby head down stairs first oblivious to the thing that lurked less than a foot from where they passed. I came down after them and what did I see down that stairwell? A huge wolf spider hiding in the corner. It froze me! I couldn’t move any further! So I called to Seras down stairs. She put the baby in the car, then came to talk me down. This is the first time a reaction this strong has ever happened. I came down the stairs, slowly as not to get it to do that sick scudding thing they do. Every step I took though, I came closer to a full on panic attack! I might also want to mention she told me there was another spider around the corner on the wall. This is the one she thought I saw. Boy was she shocked to see the over sized eight legged demon in the corner. She told me about the little one, but I don’t think it registered she meant the same type. So I stuck to the wall and made it down the stairs. She grabbed my arm, and I went to round the corner, only to face down another one legs spread wide. I think it was instinct that took over. I grabbed hold of her arm and ran down the stairs with her attached. I know how terrified I am of them, and I’m not about to leave anyone while I run away. That being said, it took the next half hour for me to calm down from the attack. During this time, Seras told me she had no problem killing them. She wasn’t about to let them terrify me, and she didn’t want to risk one of them getting ahold of the baby (No need to have two arachnophobics running around). So we go do our thing, get our groceries, and a very large can of Black Flag. The next part of the story is the epic battle of how Seras has earned her title.
When we get back, Seras says she is going to go up stairs and scope it out. She takes her trusty can of spider death and enters the arena. The big one, we will call this one The Boss, was near the arch of the stairwell out of reach. His lack was busy guarding the steps on the second set of stairs. Seras quickly drew her weapon and fired! She hit it so hard there was puddles of the stuff on the steps!! Next came the Boss Battle. She went up to the apartment to get a broom. The plan was to coax it down the wall, so she get blast it. The Boss wasn’t going down without a fight. She threw the broom at it a couple of times, and all it did was run in circles. I by this time, was brave enough to help get the broom back up to her. The last time she tossed the broom, it hit next to it. Well at the same rate the broom fell, it ran down the wall. Right as I went to pick up the broom, Seras yelled, “Baby, Run!!” As I looked up, it rounded the corner and I had a Close Encounter of the Eight-Legged Kind! I swear I could count the eyes. What did I do? Well I did what she asked, I ran! Not wanting to be ambushed she asked me if it was still on the wall outside. I looked and saw nothing. The only thing I could guess is it ran into the mail drop (Boy would the mail man have had a surprise). With the coast clear, she proceeded down the steps. It was an ambush! The Boss ran at her to make one last stand! She drew her weapon and fired! He kept coming!! Around this time, the neighbor came from his apartment to see what was wrong. He ran up the stairs and offered the assist. The Boss was defeated. All was well in the world. We brought everything upstairs, and calmed down.
What did I learn from this experience? Two things: 1) Seras is the best wife an arachnophobic could ask for 2) The reason giant-ass spiders exist, is to remind even the biggest, toughest, strongest manly man out there, at heart, your still a prepubescent 13-year-old girl!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,