What its like drowning in your head…

A lot of people have been asking why I haven’t made a full return to the site yet. Well sometimes things are  a little easier said than done. You see when I sit down to write i need quite, no distractions. But, the less distractions i have the more I’m able to think. The more rogue thoughts, that otherwise i would have kept buried are able to come to the surface. All the sudden it’s not so quiet anymore. My life can sometimes be complicated by my own mind. The same mind that allows me to put myself apart from others and flow my creative juices can be a horrible nemesis. It’s the nature of the beast. Allow me to set the stage for you…

Its late night. Little bit is asleep. I have an idea burning at the back of my head. A wonderful story to share with the Verse. I pour a drink, sit in my favorite chair, open up the MORTIS console and begin to write. Then a few lines in, its starts. At first as an indistinct chitter or a static. Then louder. The room grows dark and I’m no longer in my room, I’m in my head. Sitting at my desk surrounded by a plain white light from above. Then he steps into frame, or rather… I step into frame. Another version of me. He saunters over to the table and leans into it to talk to me. 

Malice 2: Hey there me! What you writing? Finally decide to sit down and write that story? Well you had to do it sometime, you have so many up there in that noggin. Its going to be really hard to catch people up on what you’ve been doing! But you know that.

Me: Well yeah. I mean I have to start somewhere and I’m actually feeling better about things and at peace. Now is a good time to..

Malice 2: But how long will it last?

Me: I don’t know, but I have to try. I mean maybe if I get started it will keep me going.

Malice 2: Youve done this a lot though. What makes this time anymore special. It’s not like a whole lot of right is going on right now. Sure you won’t just flake?

Me: Well I don’t know if I don’t…

Malice 3: I’ve heard this all before. Just because you are ok now, doesn’t mean you are ok. It’s just the moment. Maybe work on something else and make it last a little longer.

Malice 4: He can’t make things last! Have you been paying attention? All attempts to find a life long companion end in tragedy! Everything we do ends and ruin! If he could have fixed himself, he would have a long time ago. It’s a lost cause!

Malice 5: It’s all the truth. Just give up. You can’t do it anyway. People will hate it. You are wasting your time! 

Malice 6: It’s your faut she left! Its your fault she’s gone! You screwed it up! 

Malice 2: Well now lets not be too harsh. We can’t blame him for every—

Malice 7: BLAME HIM FOR IT ALL HE DESERVES IT!! FEEL THAT PAIN! LET IT BURN! LET IT SCAR!!!

The room erupts into more negative thoughts as their voices fill the room, all I can discern is anger from the others mes. It’s a roar. A Deafening roar. Then I hear my companions, my travel buddies way in the back. Faintly. “Boss?” “Malice..” “Don’t listen” “Get out of there.” “It’s not true.” But it’s so faint, I can barely hear it before it’s just drowned out. The noise hits a fever pitch. I’m about to start thrashing about. Then a soft voice rises to the top. I close my eyes to try to focus. 

Jazzy: Daddy?

The room is empty. I blink my eyes and im back in my room. Jazzy is standing next to me. She wraps her arms around me…

Jazzy: Daddy your sad. Please come to bed. I’m tired.

I smile at her and hug her close. I close the console and lay down next to her hugging her as she drifts off. This is my mind… My demons… My own worst enemy…

See you soon,

Malice Psychotik