Hmm, so it appears that today’s audience likes pain. Well, my cheeky monkeys, i have lots of that! Do you all want to hear a tale? Good! Pull up a seat and pour a drink. This is from a dimension I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with. This one is called…
The Haunter and the Umbreon
A time ago there was a playful Haunter and feisty Umbreon that crossed paths. The built a glorious friendship. Slow at first but then it grew and grew. Secretly they both were quite fond of one another. More so than just friends. However for a time they kept it to themselves. As it happens in most matters of the heart though, it did blossom into a beautiful love affair. So happy the two were.
They were the talk of the wild. Other Pokemon were jealous of what the two had. So much so that they tried to cause problems pretty regularly for the two. For a time though, as bad as things got, they still had each other. They had some of the most amazing adventures. All over, to places you wouldn’t imagine. It was a special thing what the two creatures had. He would always haunt her mind, and she would light his darkness. But that’s not to say it was perfect all the time.
You see both Pokemon had dark pasts. Abusive trainers, bullied by other Pokemon, lied too, and broken. This weighed against things too. Haunter tried to hide his pain through jokes and laughs. Umbreon would get battered down and retract. These types of matters you either rise up and fix it or things fall to pieces. Fall they did…
One day it all became too much. At first it was Haunter that pulled away. In the back of his head he was afraid to go all in. To lend his heart out to another got to much. Umbreon’s life also grew to a fever pitch. The two fell to pieces. To tell the details is far too heartbreaking. Either way it ends in the burn cinders on a beautiful love, burned up before its time. They both went their separate ways. Haunter tried to cut his own path, and Umbreon found another.
All was not right with the Haunter though. He tried to make it look like he was. He may have even believed it. But soon he realized the truth… He lost a very good thing, and it hurts. Now they only thing to light his darkness is a little candle. A little candle that doesn’t light much and he can’t see very far. But it has to do. He used to haunt her, now she would haunt him.
The moral of the story my sweeties, we all have ups and downs and we all go through different things at different times. Sometimes you have to weather a lot, sometimes a little. I’m not saying to keep yourself in a bad, dangerous position. Being beaten or manipulated is no good for anyone involved But if it’s just stress and hard times, you fight for the one you loved. Hard times have a way of clouding the good times. You have to hold onto the good times. You just have to. It’s easy to let go at first, but you will feel the price of that later. Just Try. Romance and love are like fire. Fire burns sometime. You just got to hold onto those worth burning for.
Wow! it has been a really long time since I booted up the console to write for you all. Is there anyone still out there? No? Yes? Maybe? Well, which ever it may be I want to share a story with you all. It is Christmas after all. And while I don’t have much to give you all, I can give you the gift of a story. A Good story is sometimes better than gold to some. Keeping with the theme of Christmas I’ll tell you a Christmas tale.
Some of you may wonder, What does a Vonderlanian do for Christmas? Well, there was a time (Back when everyone was alive) that we had some rather magnificent holiday celebrations. Actually, they were a lot like the Christmas celebrations that you are celebrating today (in multiple time lines and endless dimensions across the verse). We even had a sort of Santa type character. Well he was more an old Elder God, but that is neither here nor there. So the real question is what do I do on Christmas? Easy! Jazmin and myself stay in the MORTIS on the interdimensional lay line. Why you may ask? Well because I am relentlessly stalked through some dimensions because of something I did a long time ago.This is my tale…
Malice and The Naughty List
A long time ago, before Jazmin was born, and I was a lot more fast and loose with my science (Not that I got any better, I was just worse) I was working on a really groovy animate formulae. I was on the verge of creating a formlulae that could animate anything with zero negative impacts. So close in fact that, I decided to take a break. It was Christmas eve and I had been working very hard. What better way to treat yourself then have some ginger bread cookies and egg nog? I couldn’t think of one! Well, I should have considered that I was working with some pretty dangerous stuff. If I would have maybe I would have tried drinking some non alcoholic egg nog (I do love me some egg nog and bourbon!)
I’m not sure when my break turned into a party, but it did. I mean… Not a huge party! About thirty people… Uh Anyway! Somehow in the scuffle I spilled a beaker of my formulae onto the gingerbread men. This went unchecked for quite sometime. Apparently long enough for the ginger bread men to animate and leave my laboratory. Also, enough time for them to attack a small homeless camp of maybe 100 homeless people (not small at all). This is where things got very weird…
I woke up in an empty lab. It looked wrecked. Like, the party may have gotten a little out of hand. That happens a lot, but I didn’t think anything of it. Smelled a lot like cookies. I ignored it because hey, better than how the lab smelled sometimes. I just thought it was strange no one decided to wake me up. I got a soda from the fridge and turned the TV on while i looked for some stuff for a sandwich. It was at that time I noticed something strange. Looked like there was some rioting going on in the city. Me being a curious little caat, I turned up the volume. It looked as if Gingerbread men were attacking everyone. I laughed thinking that this was a big holiday joke. That was until I put my hand on a tray that had some broken remains of a beaker and some cookie crumbs. Oops!
Away like a shot I poofed (Vaporated)! When I got there I couldn’t believe my eyes! It looked like something out of a zombie movie, but with cookies. The police were barricaded behind cars and sand bags trying to fight off a large hoard of gingerbread men (And I’ll guess women. Why not? I mean carnage isn’t sexist!) That wasn’t even the worst part though. What came next haunted me for about 30 seconds. One of the officers was trying to sneak around the hoard to get behind the barricade. Well a few noticed him and ran to grab him. The officer had just about made it through when one of the cookie men latched onto his leg with sharp peppermint teeth. He got through the barricade before it took out a chunk. I decided to poof behind the barricade to see what was going on . Maybe ask a few questions. There was a Sargent standing next to where I appeared. He was kind of slack-jawed and amazed, but I got him to snap to it and give me a run down of what was going on. While he was telling me, my eyes were drawn to the bit officer. He was screaming and convulsing.
It happened so quick. Another officer yelled he had been bit. Before anyone could react, the officers body twisted and shred away. He turned into a gingerbread man! Which then started attacking other officers…and they followed suit. I grabbed the Sargent and poofed to a nearby roof top. He was a little angry at first, until he realized there were no more of his “men” to protect. He told me how it started with the group of them from the homeless camp and how their numbers just grew and swelled as they worked through the city. No one really knew what to do. On bite and you became one of them. I began thinking of ways I could undo this. Really I couldn’t save anyone that had been turned. I just needed to figure out a way to stop it.
Apparently, I was deep in thought because I didn’t notice the Sargent turn until he lunged at me. I poofed out of the way, and that was probably good because his head exploded. It was then I saw the jolly shape of Old Saint Nick. Standing there with a smoking candy cane gun in hand. I went to say Hi, but he looked a little less than impressed with me. Some elves rolled out of his sleigh and took positions all over the roof top. He boomed at me. Some such shit about how irresponsible i was….blah blah blah… stupid curious cat…blah blah blah…you need to fix this. I explained I was thinking about a way to fix it when that last one attacked me. I heard shots around the edge of the building. The Gingerbread Men had decided to focus on us.
I’m not sure whether they just didn’t have enough ammo to match the numbers or they were just bad shots. But it wasn’t long until the elves were Gingerbread men too. Santa made it just in time to take off. I zipped up to him. That didn’t last long. He pushed me out of the sleigh. Good thing I can levitate. From up there I could see the situation was way out of control on the ground. On the bright side, everything smelled wonderful! I had to figure out how to take out all of these cookie monsters (Ha Ha!) If only I had some egg nog to help me…. THATS IT!!! I got on the phone to Minion and told him to get the high pressure hydro cannon. While he did that, I ran around like a Mad Cat getting all of the Egg Nog I could find.I loaded it all into the fluid chamber and then let the fun start.
I made my stand right before they made it to a big orphanage. Wave after wave came at me, and I blasted them to mush. Ate a few of them too. Man they were good. Almost sort of justice being served. Towards the end of the battle, it became a Maelstrom of ginger cookies and egg nog. I may have gotten a little carried away, because I flooded the orphanage. A many of child got completely trashed that night, but they were saved! All of them were put down, and the city was safe. Santa landed on the street behind me. Seemed like he was pretty happy… Until he smelled the bourbon…and saw the drunk kids. He then told me my name was going at the top of the Naughty List and was never coming off. I didn’t think it was a big deal, until I realized the naughty list transcends dimensions and I was on them all. So now I spend Christmas in the lay line, where they can’t find me.
Hope you all enjoyed the tale. A little rusty, but hey… got to knock it off somehow. Have a Merry Christmas you all, and here’s to a New Year!
December 25th, 2013 3:05am Los Angeles, CA
A path of destruction lay in Santa’s wake. It From New York all the way to LA. The city of Lost Angels lay right in his sights. All of the naughtiest of cities lay in complete destruction and this was going to mark his last stop on the North American leg of this tour. The military had tried to stop him many times, but found their own tech useless against this master tinkerer. “These naughty boys and girls think they can stop me? Ha! Forget a lump of coal…you’re all getting a lump of lead!” bellowed Clause.
As he draw closer, he could see the army getting ready to make a last stand as well. They surrounded the city with all they had. They would protect LA at all costs…too bad they wouldn’t be able to pay that cost. They centered all of their weapons on him and he on them. It wouldn’t be long before all hell would break loose. Both sides prepare to lay waste to one another, when out of no where…CRASH! A second sleigh slammed right into Santa’s. Santa grabbed his controls and straightened himself out. As he did this, the other sleigh come about. It was lead by three reindeer and one had a red nose. It was in shambles and covered in rust and scratched all to hell. The driver was head to toe in fur with two foot horns atop his head. With a snarl and a growl he reveal his sharp yellow teeth. It was the Krampus here to save the day.
“Krampus!? What are you doing here!?” asked a confused Saint Nick.
“What the Hell do you think you are doing Kris? This is a mess! Have you lost your damn mind or something?” yelled the beastly demon.
“Lost my mind? Krampus, you should understand how I feel. I didn’t understand you for years…now I do! The naughty deserve to be punished! Coal isn’t going to do it. The naughty list should be purged. That’s the only way.” yelled Santa
“Punished? How is this punishment? This is out right Genocide Kringle! No one can learn a lesson if there is no one left,” pleaded the beast. “You have to stop this Santa. I’m only going to warn you this once. Turn your self around and we will go talk this out.”
“I’m not going to listen to you! You’re just mad you never thought of this. Some enforcer you are. You stopped having my back years ago Kramp. Maybe if you would have stuck with it, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are!” Santa turned his eyes to the Hollywood sign. “This town will turn to ash, and you are going to watch it.
Krampus looked at his old partner in disgust. “You want me to take up my old mantle huh? Well what better time to start than now. Let’s do this then.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about! Let’s make them pay Krampy!” Santa said while drawing a saber and pointing toward the city. Just as he was about to open fire though, a mass of rusty metal chains wrap round him and the sleigh. Clause spun around in shock.
“I think you mistook me. You want me to enforce the naughty list? Hell here you go! You’re at the top of the list. As bad as you’ve been…a trip to hell ought to do you some good.” With that, Krampus let out a roar. A hole opened up in the Earth and fire spewed forth. “This is for your own good Santa! Merry Christmas to all and to all a better night. Krampus flew down into the hole, and as quick as it appeared it was gone again. The military couldn’t believe what they saw. In fact no one could. Today would be the day….the day that the Krampus saved Christmas.
December 24, 2013 9:30pm: New York, NY
Chaos…is the only way you could describe New York. New York was the first mark on Santa’s naughty list. He had only been there an hour. But in that hour he had laid waste to a good chunk of the city. The city was alive with the fires of war. The National Guard had tried to mount on offensive, but to no avail. They just good not stop this red, Yuletide Berserker. Now they just try to rescue as many as possible while rockets blazed over head. The top brass tried to formulate a plan, but to be honest, they had no idea what to do.
Saint Nick smiled down at his wonderful disaster. It had been so long since he had been so happy. “You didn’t want to believe in me. Now you can all fear me. Fear the name Kris Kringle. I’ll see this city burn to cinders before it’s all over with!” With a press of a button and payload of rockets took off in all directions. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all burn in hell!”
All seemed lost on this joyous holiday. Who was going to stop this mad Santa? Who was going to stop his murderous rampage?
December, 24th 2013: 1:32am, North Pole
The last few nights had Santa busy at work in the shop. Wit all of the toys finished and off to be wrapped, he was able to have the workshop all to himself. This gave him time for his new project. He had some things to fabricate and needed to make some upgrades to the sled. He had been in there the whole time with no sleep and hardly any food. He was finishing the touches on an improvement to the sleigh, when a knock came at the door.
The knock belonged to no other than Archie Cobblebox. ” Doors open!” He bellowed
“Santa? What are you doing out here in the workshop? I would have thought you would be getting some rest for later tonight?” asked the elf.
“Well, I just have some final arrangements I need to make. Some work needs done to the sled, and I have some last-minute gifts to make. Gifts for all of you,” said Clause with a deadpan voice. Something was very wrong with the holiday icon.
Archie looked at him sideways as he looked around the room. Everything was covered except for what Clause tinkering with on the sleigh. None of the shapes looked like gifts he had ever seen though. The smells didn’t match up either. Instead of warmth and fresh-cut wood…maybe a little stuffing and fresh fabric. All he could make out was steel, oil, and some other thing he wasn’t very familiar with. “Santa you know you didn’t have to make us any gifts. Why the new workshop was good enough. You made life so much easier with that.”
“Oh, I did huh? It is a marvel that machine. Makes anything as long as you have the specifications. Anything your heart desires…” he trailed off as he stared into his welding light. The light reflecting in his goggles.
The little helper was getting nervous at this point as he looked around the room. Curiously he tried to make out what St. Nick was welding to the side of the sleigh. He just couldn’t make it out. It almost looked like a cylinder with eight tubes positioned in it and was attached to a gear assembly. If only he could get a closer look. “Santa is there anything I can give you a hand with? Maybe make your night end faster so you can get some rest?”
He looked up from what he was doing. He just sat there staring at the elf for what seemed like an eternity. Then he spoke, “Sure thing!” He had a smile across his face. For the first time in a month he was actually smiling. Archie smiled with delight. “Hand me that wrench over there on the bench.” As Archie turned his back, Santa reached into the sleigh to the control assembly. with the flick of a switch, his device began to whir and spin. A laser dot lit up and he aimed it on the back of the elf. “You can help me calibrate this…” With the pull of a trigger…the elf was no more. The old man turned his head to the side. “Almost there.” He continued his work through the night.
December 20th, 2013: North Pole
A few days have passed since Santa had completed the Reindeer maintainer. He sat alone in a small work shop considering the last couple of days. Mrs. Clause had really laid into him a couple of nights ago. She was angry he had spent so little time with her. It had to be hard to be the wife of a holiday icon. A time when everyone should be with one another, and her own husband could not be around her. She told him that the last couple of days had been the last straw. If he wanted to be around his tinkerings so much he could go live outside in one of the workshops with them. So for the last few days he try to absorb in his work. The elves that now had a machine to make all of the complicated toys had to have him run it. Turns out they weren’t very good at using it. Which worked out nicely. it gave the old man something else to focus on.
As busy as he kept though making things to fill others with joy, that Christmas cheer had been sucked straight out of him. He sat in his workshop with a small fire going, on his second bottle of Nog. Nobody cared what he wanted. Nobody cared if he was happy. All everyone wanted was what THEY wanted. What THEY needed, or for that matter thought they needed. This was his holiday and he was sick of it. Maybe it was the Nog, but he was sickened by it. Such Greed! A holiday that was once meant for good will and joy….was now consumed. Taken over by Avarice. From Black Friday until Christmas was nothing but want…want…WANT. Day in and day out and he was sickened to the core.
Is this all I exist for? To fuel other people’s wants? What about what I want? Will anyone ever care about that? Ah Fuck it! Let’s just get through that dam night. A night filled with dumping off toys and gifts to those that don’t deserve a piece of reindeer shit. Somebody ought to give them what they really deserve…Someone should give them ALL what they really deserve.
As he thought this he polished off another bottle and passed out. That night he would dream. Not of toys and cheer….but of fire and hate.
December 12, 2013 9:00pm, North Pole
After days of working night and day, in a way only THE Santa Clause could do, a machine was built to help with the elves grievance. A massive machine that took up a hole work shop by itself. A small group of five could operate this hulking giant. Santa had been tinkering with the idea for years, but never went a head with it. There was just no time. This was a machine capable of making anything. All you needed to do was input how to make it, and it would build it flawlessly. This would help with all of the more complex things that the elves had complained about. Originally he didn’t want to make this contraption for fear of the elves thinking they were to be replaced. But if this is what they want.
The old man was so tired after working on his invention. He was just about to stroll off to bed, when his Reindeer keeper spotted him. “Santa! Oh Santa! Can I speak with you a moment…” the little elf called. Oscar Finchwald was his name. He had taken care of the Reindeer for years now. As he ran up, he gasped for breath. “I have a question to ask sir!”
“What is it Oscar? What is the matter?” asked a sleepy St. Nick.
“I noticed you finished the machine for the worker elves…and well…I was wondering. Do you think you could build something for me too?”
Santa’s eyes widened, “What is it that you need Oscar?”
“Something to help me groom and wash the reindeer would be nice,” smiled the portly elf “It’s just I’m not getting any younger and these reindeer…They are getting so hard to take care of. All I need is something that maybe they could be ran through that would help them get nice and groomed on a regular basis.”
Santa just stood there in disbelief. These demands were getting out of hand. “And when do you think you would need this by Oscar?”
“Oh maybe in the next couple of days”
“Oscar, I just finished the new workshop for the work elves. Do you really need it right now? Can’t you wait a few more days?” asked Santa.
The little elf’s face pursed and his eyes narrowed. “So I guess the work elves are more important than me huh? Probably because there are more of them. Even though I’ve taken care of those filthy beasts for years without complaining. I get it, you care more about them than me. That is fine! Just fine…” he looked both ways then back up. “How about while you wait to make my machine…I take some days off huh? You can take care of them right? Or maybe one of the other elves.”
The red clad legend rubbed his eyes and sighed hard. “No…no we can’t have that…If you need this thing right away. I think I can manage. I did get the other elves device working quickly, it’s only fair I do the same for you.” As he spoke the little fat elf strode off with a grin. Santa just stand there…thinking of all the work he would have to do. Mrs. Clause would not be happy with this at all. She was already angry with him for not spending enough time at home. This wouldn’t sit well either. Santa thought to himself…If this doesn’t stop I’m going to break. All of these people…all of them and their fucking demands. Does anyone ever thing of me? Does anyone ever care what I need or want?
December 5th, 2013: North Pole 6:30pm
With the list went over and preparations started, new problems began to arise by the hour. The days of wooden toys and simple plastic toys had been gone for ages. Now at the Pole they needed to keep up with all sorts of new technology and computers to keep all the boys and girls of the world satisfied. All it ever took was a bad piece of equipment and a days production could be lost. This also brought the moral of the elves down to all time lows. The did like to tinker, but circuit boards and computer chips were utter nonsense!
Santa was taking a bit of time to tinker in his own personal workshop. An excellent craftsmen, Santa could make anything out of the smallest of things….and they would do amazing things too. But, they were no iPhone or any of the new game systems he had just figured out how to make a week ago. So he took some time each day to just work on some things and calm his mind. He was just in the middle of completing a wonderful flying train when a knock came at the door. It was his head foreman elf, Maxwell Tinkerbe.
“Santa I need to speak with you a second if you don’t mind…” said the elf.
“Sure thing Maxwell, whats on your mind.” Santa said as he walked to sit down at his desk.
The elf made his way to a seat in front of the desk and sat. He cleared his throat and spoke clearly, “Santa, we have some complaints amongst the other elves. Now I know we are well into the thick of things, and you are a busy man, but we feel some things do need to be addressed.”
A look of confusion spread across his ancient face, “Really? What sort of things are going on? What seems to be the trouble?”
“Well, you see Santa…everyone is fed up with making these computers and game systems. Why can’t we go back to making simple toys? Why do we bend our will to the will of these spoiled kids? Shouldn’t they be happy they receive anything at all?” The elf looked down nervously when he finished.
Santa’s eyes widened. He had similar thoughts. but he didn’t realize the elves felt that way as well. “Do all of the other elves feel this way Maxwell?” he said shocked.
“Yes. Yes we do. We’ve felt this way for some time now, but it wasn’t until the loss of 20 elves last week that we decided enough was enough. These new electronic toys are just not meant for us to make!” The passion in his voice was rising as he got more excited. “We are loosing our friends and family trying to please these greedy children that shouldn’t even be on the Nice list! It has to stop!”
Santa was absolutely aghast. He couldn’t believe his eyes. “Maxwell, I understand your feelings I do. I took the loss of those elves as hard as you all. But we have to keep up with the times. If not then the kids won’t believe…and if they don’t believe…”
“We don’t care anymore!!” shouted the little creature. “We don’t care. And quite frankly, we are going to walk out if things don’t change. Let that sink in…” As he spoke he stormed out of the office.
Santa just sat there is disbelief. A walk out? he thought. What am I going to do now? I can’t have a walk out…What will the children think. All this negativity can’t end well…
December 1st, 2013: 8:30 pm North Pole
Twenty Five days out from Christmas and it was time for Santa to begin checking his list for the second time. He had been in his study all day, and the stress of the day was starting to take its toll on him. One of the elves entered the room with a glass of hot cocoa and a small dinner for the weathered Christmas Icon. For some time now he had been troubled by his work. Things weren’t like they were in the beginning. Children had changed so much, he had to modify what was considered Naughty or Nice. “I just don’t understand children these days at all. Back in the beginning it was pretty cut and dry who belonged on what list,” said St. Nick with a sigh. “Let’s face it though, if I didn’t grow with the times though, we would be out of the job. We can’t have that can we?” He looked over at the elf as he lay his tray on a side table. The elf only turn around and shrug his shoulders. Who was he to have an opinion?
Santa took his glasses off to rub his eyes a bit. “Well, I’d better go ahead and eat my supper. I still have a long way to go on this list. Have to be done by the third to get everything packed and settled by Christmas.” He turned away from his work to look at his meager meal. “You would think that I of all people could get a decent meal…” he grumbled. Mr.s Clause apparently was back on her diet kick from a few years earlier. Still though he carried on. This was an arduous task and he needed his strength. Just one thought lingered on his mind while he finished his meal…Is all of this really worth it? Is my heart still in it?
This is the first chapter to an anthology of short stories I’m writing. I will try to keep up with them pretty regularly. This is the set up, and I hope you enjoy it…
It was a dark and stormy night, as it is in most stories like this. The kind of story where a group of people make a wrong turn on a back road. Of course that might have not happened had Jeremy not left his GPS at the last stop. You see, Jeremy and his friends were returning home from a long exhausting trip. They had been on a road trip to collecting stories for a book about little known legends. Murderers, Myths, Madmen…anything they thought would get people’s attention. The trip was nearly a success, but there was still something missing. They had all collected some really juicy stories, but they all lacked that special hook. Jeremy just kept thinking over and over in his head about what could make it better. Really he should have been thinking about the fact they were in the middle of nowhere about to run out of gas. This was a fact he was alerted to when the engine sputtered to a halt.
“Good one asshole!” chimed a very unhelpful Steve. Steve had been complaining, as per his usual self, for the last 4 hours. He was the one friend in the group that was there just to be a pain in everyone elses ass. “If you would have left it in the window like I said, we wouldn’t be in this mess! Like someone is really going to smash your window and take it. Everyone has GPS these days Jeremy, even the fucking thieves!”
“Could you please just try to be more helpful Steve…” squeaked a very nervous Alex. Alex was the peace keeper of them all. Mostly because he was so timid, you would feel like the most depraved bully in the world yelling at him. He almost resembled a chihuahua. The kind that would shake and piss itself if you looked at it wrong.
The fourth friend of the group sat quiet. Travis was the mysterious brooding type. Or so he put on for everyone else. You wouldn’t believe the woman you pull in acting like a bad copy of one of those tween-vampire-romance types. If girls really new most of the time he was appearing to look off into space he was playing Poke’mon on his handheld system, he wouldn’t be near as popular. The most he mustered was a killer look to the front seat where Steve continued to run at the mouth.
“Alex shut up before you pass out…I’m just saying if you hadn’t screwed up Jeremy, we could have been home by now!”
Jeremy slowed the car down and threw the car into Park. “Alright Steve! I’ve had enough of your shit! I’m sorry I fucked up your night, but if you would spend more time looking at the map we might know where we are. Ya’ think you can do that!?” barked a very annoyed driver. At the very least keep an eye out for a hotel or gas station…”
Steve looked up with a disgusted look, “You think we’re going to find a hotel out here!? Jeremy, all I’ve seen for the last couple hours is dead trees. Not to mention it is raining so hard…YOU CAN’T SEE SHIT!!!!”
Jeremy went to yell when he was cut off by a yelp from Alex, “YOU TWO…Please…STOP FIGHTING!!!”
The driver looked forward and switched the car back into Drive, “Just keep your mouth shut Steve. If you don’t have anything helpful to tell me…just shut up”
It would seem that this once “rad” road trip had taken a turn for the worst. The quartet stayed quite for another couple of miles before they finally caught sight of a faint light up ahead. It was hard to tell but as they neared the light, it got brighter. Strangely enough the rain seemed to calm down as well. Within seconds it became clear they had found some sort of house in the middle of the woods. Haunted house was really a more accurate description. The house appeared very old and had an odd purple trim over a worn grey wood exterior. The sign outside read “Welcome to the Malicious Manner…Bed and Breakfast.”
Steve exclaimed, “Does that really say ‘Malicious Manner…bed and Breakfast’? Oh Jeremy we have to stop here! Looks like our luck is turning around.” Steve crossed his arms and tried to make it look like he had a positive outlook the whole time.
“Well we do need directions and it is kind of late. Top it off, one last stop for the book might not be a bad thing. I mean it certainly does have that charm. What do the rest of you think?” asked Jeremy.
“I…I think it’s alright. Looks like something out of a horror movie. Might be a nice gimmick for the cover too.” It was the most excited meek little Alex seemed all trip.
Travis looked up lazily until he saw it in all it’s greatness. That was when the melancholy boy’s face turned to a grin. “We need to do this!”
“Well, it’s decided then…to the Malicious Manner it is!” shouted the leader of the troop. With that they turned into the drive way and drove the dirt road to the creepy manner. Pulling up to the building, they realized it had stopped raining completely. The air around the place was chilly and other worldly. Stepping out of the car, a strange gust of wind blew past them inviting them up the stairs to the enormous domicile.
“Wow, this place is a lot bigger than what it looked from the road!” exclaimed Alex, who seemed to be unusually energetic about going into a creepy looking mansion. “Looks really old too. Like something out a horror movie.” A small smile crossed his face.
The others got out of the car and the four made their way to the door. Stepping onto the porch, a ragged out welcome mat lay in front of the entrance. Upon the door rested a door knocker and a sign that read “Knock Once for Mail, Twice for Tea, Three for Service, Repeatedly for and Emergency…” Half laughed at the silly sign while the other half looked on with curiosity. Jeremy thought it was real neat and took out his camera to take a picture. Travis leaned himself on a porch support as if to wait impressively for whoever may open the door.
“So, I guess I knock three times?” asked Jeremy
“No dumb ass! Knock two times! Let’s have some freakin’ tea! What do you think?” snapped Steve.
Jeremy shot a sharp look back his way before lifting the enormous door knocker and doing as the sign read to get some service. The echo of the knocks echoed loudly through the manor. All four stood in silence for what seemed like eons wondering what would happen next. Steve grew wildly impatient, “Well whats taking so damn long!?” As the words left his mouth he grabbed the knocker and began beating the door repeatedly. “HELLO!!!? ANYONE THER–?” he was cut off as the door creaked open.
As the door grew wider a gentleman in a top hat sat behind a desk. “You’re very impatient aren’t you? You don’t know how to wait for someone to answer the door?” asked the stranger. All they could do was stand there looking inside at who seemed to be the inn keeper. “Well…are you going to stand there all night or are you going to come inside? There are things out there I would rather not let in here and an equal amount of things in here I’d rather not let out there.” as the man said this he nodded his head and motioned his hand for the boys to come in.
The boys moved in to the arch of the door looking at the lavished insides of the house. The house was just as big on the inside as it was out. Everything looked very nice despite being a bit dusty. Still not what you would have expected from the rougher looking exterior. A look around the room revealed a grand staircase to the right of the room that was lined with paintings of different people from different eras. Seemingly this lead up to the rooms. To the left of the room was what looked like a parlor or a den with many pieces of lavished furniture. The shelves of the room were filled with books and other statues and sculptures. In the middle of the room was the desk with the top hatted man now standing looking at the awe-stricken boys. “So….well your all very quiet. Weren’t that quiet a minuet ago…what’s a matter? Cat got your tongue!” the man asked with a grin.
Snapping to himself, Jeremy answered him, “Very sorry sir! We are a little lost, pretty low on gas, and it’s really late so we figured we would see if we could get a room for the night!”
“A room for the night eh? Well you’re in luck! I have a room open.” grinned the man
“Oh, good! You’re a life saver man.” Jeremy said relieved. “Alex you and Travis want to go get the our stuff?”
Alex nodded. He and Travis left the group to go get the bags from the car leaving Jeremy and Steve standing in the presence of the inn keeper. Jeremy, now recomposed to his normal self smiled smugly. “So, what’s up with this place? You some type of road side thing? We’ve been all over the place and never heard of you before.”
The man behind the counter smiled from ear to ear as he leaned across the desk. His furry face an wild hair adding to the effect. “Oh, you wouldn’t have heard of me. I move around a lot from place to place. Never like to stay in one place to long. After all there are only so many things you can learn about an area before it starts to get old. You might say people who come across me, do so by chance.”
The group looked back at him with a mixture of confusion and delight. If this guy was half as interesting as he looked it may be just what they were looking for. Jeremy spoke up for the group, “So you travel a lot? Nice! We are actually writing a book on little known urban myths and legends. More like a grouping of strange or scary stories from around America. Think you know any good ones?”
With that, the man behind the counter jumped over the desk and stood in front of them with such a look of absolute pleasure. His eyes wide and furry face smiled on for a good minute before he replied back. “Do I have stories?! My sirs, I am Malice Psychotik! Story telling is my passion! Really it’s the main reason I travel so much. I keep my eye on people here and there. You wouldn’t believe some of the stories you come across if you just look…and listen.” Malice was over joyed just thinking about telling a large group his stories, but then he realized a few key things that Jeremy had said. “But…you boys are writers huh? I’m usually not in the practice of telling people my stories so they can run off and write about it. My stories are more meant for word of mouth. I just feel like writing them down takes some of the emotion out of it. Story telling is an ancient art after all. Writing it down takes the story-teller out of it…Sort of just makes it words.”
Steve wasn’t going to let this one slip through their fingers. So he did what he does best, thought up a lie and said what he thought Malice wanted to hear. “I totally agree with you. When we first started this venture that was one of my main problems. But through this whole process, you know what I’ve come to realize? What better way to spread these stories to people across the world than the printed word!? You can’t very well travel around telling everyone these amazing stories right? You just have to make sure that you write it with passion. And that’s what we do…every story treated like it was the thing of legends!”
Malice pursed his lips and gave a sideways glance. He could smell bullshit from a mile away and this guy reeked of a sewer. “Well, I do have a few stories I could hand over for your book. But, I don’t think I’m going to hand over any of my best ones. To a being such as myself though…even the not so good stories are great stories. Tell you boys what, I’ll sign you up for a room for the night. You go up stairs and settle in. Then come down here and meet me in the den. I’ll spin you a few tales by the light of the fire-place, and show you what real story telling is. How does that sound?”
“Sounds great! We’ll take it.” said Jeremy. He looked back a t Steve who smiled in triumph. Malice gave them a key and pointed to the upstairs instructing them which room to take their things. By this time the other two were back and the boys went up stairs. Everything was going seemingly well.
When the boys were done unpacking for the night, they met in the large den Malice had mentioned. A fire had been lit and some drinks were served on the coffee table in the center of the room. The room was just as lavish as the rest of the house with fine furniture and countless shelves of books. Other shelves held odd trinkets from what seemed to be all over the world. About the time the boys sat down, Malice entered the room. They all looked on in amazement, as this was the first time they noticed how he was dressed. From head to toe he was dressed in a top hat with a large purple sash that trailed behind him. Around that was a pair of goggles with purple lenses. He wore a large black coat with purple lapels and cuffs. Under that he had on two shirts. One was a black button down shirt that was unbuttoned to reveal a black t-shirt with a skull on it. On his hands he wore black and purple striped gloves that were fingerless. To finish out the ensemble he had on black pants with white pin stripe. He strolled over to a large arm-chair and poured into it propping a leg on the arm. “Are you boys ready then?”
The group all looked at one another and nodded to their host. Malice grasped his cup in one hand. It appeared to have a cloudy green liquid in it that had an odd smell to it. He swirled it around and took a deep drink. Taking a deep breath he stared intently at he glass and heaved a sigh, “Now that’s good! Let’s get started hmm? It was a dark and stormy night that the group of five travelers found themselves in the company of a mysterious stranger. They all sat by the fire in the grand old mansion. There he….” the story-teller was cut short.
“Hey now! I thought you said you had some good ones. This just sounds like one similar to us. I’ve seen it a million times. Guys sits us down to a story and it’s surprisingly just like us. That crap may work for your average tourist, but it ain’t going to work on us.” snapped Steve.
Malice looked on in amazement. “So it’s my understanding you want something with…shall we say…a little more bite to it?”
“Yeah, you know something with base and substance…” said Jeremy.
“Well…I could tell you the REALLY good stuff…but if you record it or try to use it for your book…I’ll have ta kill ya.’ As the words left his throat and passed his teeth the room grew cold and the lights seemed to dim. Malice looked on at the boys intensely as they seemed to grow nervous until finally he broke the silence with a boisterous laugh! The boys laughed as well, although still shaken. “So we have an understanding then? Good…Take your drinks in deep boys and hold on tight. These stories are not for the faint of heart. They come from the darkest side of your mind and some like to creep from the dark places you would all like to forget. You know the funny thing about fairy tales and horror stories is?” Malice paused, “The best ones start with Once Upon a Time…”
Well that’s was the first chapter. Stay tuned as we will continue with “Edgar Cartwright: The Butcher of Ft. Drum”
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Ho Ho Ho! And Merrrry Christmas, Freaky Darlings!! Another year has come and is now drawing to a close. What kind of Psychotik Christmas would it be without something about the Krampus. This little masterpiece has been stuck in my head for quite some time. I do hope you all enjoy my revisioning of the Christmas Classic, Twas’ the Night Before Christmas.
Twas’ The Night of the Krampus
Twas the Night of the Krampus, when all through the house
Rang the sounds of screams, From a little boy named Klaus.
The little brat was staying up in a stubborn dare,
Telling his parents St. Nick wouldn’t care.
The child was tearing everything asunder,
Not realizing the follies of his foolish blunder.
With Mom pulling her hair out and Dad’s head in his lap,
Just wishing this little demon would just cut his crap.
When all of a sudden we heard a devilish laughter,
The red-headed child ran out the door to see what was the matter.
Out the door he flew fast as The Flash,
Sending porcelain collectables down with a crash!
The door off its hinges sitting in the snow,
You think he would have slipped, but his legs just said no.
When, just then he noticed to his ultimate shock,
8 Hellish horses pulling a disheveled wooden box.
With a big hairy driver brandishing chains and a stick,
He knew in a moment this wasn’t St Nick.
Faster than bat’s from Hell, his coarse voice came,
And he snarled, and snorted, and yelled at them by name!
“Now Slasher! now, Masher! now, Pounder and Nixon!
On, Vomit! On, Stupid! On Dahmer and Manson!
Storm the Porch! And take down a wall!
Now Hurry Quick! Run away! Run away all!”
Coming in fast and wreckless as could be,
They caused such a mess you could hardly see.
At the last second he pulled up landing rough on the roof,
Falling out of the “sleigh” he landed with a Oof!.”
Cursing and Angry he jumped up and down,
“Are you trying to kill me you great stupid clowns!!”
The little boy came running and fell to the ground,
Down the chimney Krampus came with a terrible sound.
He was covered in grey fur, from his head to his hoofed foot,
On his head long horns all dirty and covered in soot.
A bag full of chains he had flung from his back,
A toothy grin of terror split his lips and he smelled like a yak!
His eyes dark pits… He looked very scary!
His skin was like leather, he was not here to make merry!
His stroked on his club ready to go,
This little shrimp would pay, he didn’t even know.
Drawing back…he stopped, there was something to say,
“Why have you been a little shit all year and all day?”
The Boy couldn’t answer, He choked up with fright!
The Krampus just smiled he was filled with delight!
“Most people don’t know of me, but you’ll soon find out…”
The beast moved and made the little spoiled boy shout!
With a hock of loogie, and a twist of his head,
The little snot knew not to be happy but filled with dread.
Not another word was spoken, he went straight to his work,
Stuffing the boy in his bag, Krampus gave the parents a smirk.
He then shoved a finger deep in his nose,
With a passing of gas, up the chimney he rose!
Jumping in the sleigh, he gave the commanding sound,
Away the fleet flew burying deep ground.
With a loud laugh, just before leaving sight he did yell,
“Have a Horrid Christmas, cause’ I’m dragging you to Hell!”
So how was that? Guess that little shit will learn to be a little better to Mommy and Daddy. I do hope the lot of you are having a Happy Holiday and a good time with what ever your plans may be. Do make sure you stop by here a little more often, as I have a few articles coming up you won’t want to mix. ALSO!!! Encyclopedia Psychotika will be at Universal Studios Orlando on the 22nd of this month tp bid farewell to JAWS!!! What a sad day it shall be…
Until Next Time, Mt Freaky Darlings,
P.S If you need to know a little more about The Krampus…check out this old link…https://malicepsychotik.wordpress.com/2010/12/24/a-holiday-message-from-malice-psychotik/