Wow! it has been a really long time since I booted up the console to write for you all. Is there anyone still out there? No? Yes? Maybe? Well, which ever it may be I want to share a story with you all. It is Christmas after all. And while I don’t have much to give you all, I can give you the gift of a story. A Good story is sometimes better than gold to some. Keeping with the theme of Christmas I’ll tell you a Christmas tale.
Some of you may wonder, What does a Vonderlanian do for Christmas? Well, there was a time (Back when everyone was alive) that we had some rather magnificent holiday celebrations. Actually, they were a lot like the Christmas celebrations that you are celebrating today (in multiple time lines and endless dimensions across the verse). We even had a sort of Santa type character. Well he was more an old Elder God, but that is neither here nor there. So the real question is what do I do on Christmas? Easy! Jazmin and myself stay in the MORTIS on the interdimensional lay line. Why you may ask? Well because I am relentlessly stalked through some dimensions because of something I did a long time ago.This is my tale…
Malice and The Naughty List
A long time ago, before Jazmin was born, and I was a lot more fast and loose with my science (Not that I got any better, I was just worse) I was working on a really groovy animate formulae. I was on the verge of creating a formlulae that could animate anything with zero negative impacts. So close in fact that, I decided to take a break. It was Christmas eve and I had been working very hard. What better way to treat yourself then have some ginger bread cookies and egg nog? I couldn’t think of one! Well, I should have considered that I was working with some pretty dangerous stuff. If I would have maybe I would have tried drinking some non alcoholic egg nog (I do love me some egg nog and bourbon!)
I’m not sure when my break turned into a party, but it did. I mean… Not a huge party! About thirty people… Uh Anyway! Somehow in the scuffle I spilled a beaker of my formulae onto the gingerbread men. This went unchecked for quite sometime. Apparently long enough for the ginger bread men to animate and leave my laboratory. Also, enough time for them to attack a small homeless camp of maybe 100 homeless people (not small at all). This is where things got very weird…
I woke up in an empty lab. It looked wrecked. Like, the party may have gotten a little out of hand. That happens a lot, but I didn’t think anything of it. Smelled a lot like cookies. I ignored it because hey, better than how the lab smelled sometimes. I just thought it was strange no one decided to wake me up. I got a soda from the fridge and turned the TV on while i looked for some stuff for a sandwich. It was at that time I noticed something strange. Looked like there was some rioting going on in the city. Me being a curious little caat, I turned up the volume. It looked as if Gingerbread men were attacking everyone. I laughed thinking that this was a big holiday joke. That was until I put my hand on a tray that had some broken remains of a beaker and some cookie crumbs. Oops!
Away like a shot I poofed (Vaporated)! When I got there I couldn’t believe my eyes! It looked like something out of a zombie movie, but with cookies. The police were barricaded behind cars and sand bags trying to fight off a large hoard of gingerbread men (And I’ll guess women. Why not? I mean carnage isn’t sexist!) That wasn’t even the worst part though. What came next haunted me for about 30 seconds. One of the officers was trying to sneak around the hoard to get behind the barricade. Well a few noticed him and ran to grab him. The officer had just about made it through when one of the cookie men latched onto his leg with sharp peppermint teeth. He got through the barricade before it took out a chunk. I decided to poof behind the barricade to see what was going on . Maybe ask a few questions. There was a Sargent standing next to where I appeared. He was kind of slack-jawed and amazed, but I got him to snap to it and give me a run down of what was going on. While he was telling me, my eyes were drawn to the bit officer. He was screaming and convulsing.
It happened so quick. Another officer yelled he had been bit. Before anyone could react, the officers body twisted and shred away. He turned into a gingerbread man! Which then started attacking other officers…and they followed suit. I grabbed the Sargent and poofed to a nearby roof top. He was a little angry at first, until he realized there were no more of his “men” to protect. He told me how it started with the group of them from the homeless camp and how their numbers just grew and swelled as they worked through the city. No one really knew what to do. On bite and you became one of them. I began thinking of ways I could undo this. Really I couldn’t save anyone that had been turned. I just needed to figure out a way to stop it.
Apparently, I was deep in thought because I didn’t notice the Sargent turn until he lunged at me. I poofed out of the way, and that was probably good because his head exploded. It was then I saw the jolly shape of Old Saint Nick. Standing there with a smoking candy cane gun in hand. I went to say Hi, but he looked a little less than impressed with me. Some elves rolled out of his sleigh and took positions all over the roof top. He boomed at me. Some such shit about how irresponsible i was….blah blah blah… stupid curious cat…blah blah blah…you need to fix this. I explained I was thinking about a way to fix it when that last one attacked me. I heard shots around the edge of the building. The Gingerbread Men had decided to focus on us.
I’m not sure whether they just didn’t have enough ammo to match the numbers or they were just bad shots. But it wasn’t long until the elves were Gingerbread men too. Santa made it just in time to take off. I zipped up to him. That didn’t last long. He pushed me out of the sleigh. Good thing I can levitate. From up there I could see the situation was way out of control on the ground. On the bright side, everything smelled wonderful! I had to figure out how to take out all of these cookie monsters (Ha Ha!) If only I had some egg nog to help me…. THATS IT!!! I got on the phone to Minion and told him to get the high pressure hydro cannon. While he did that, I ran around like a Mad Cat getting all of the Egg Nog I could find.I loaded it all into the fluid chamber and then let the fun start.
I made my stand right before they made it to a big orphanage. Wave after wave came at me, and I blasted them to mush. Ate a few of them too. Man they were good. Almost sort of justice being served. Towards the end of the battle, it became a Maelstrom of ginger cookies and egg nog. I may have gotten a little carried away, because I flooded the orphanage. A many of child got completely trashed that night, but they were saved! All of them were put down, and the city was safe. Santa landed on the street behind me. Seemed like he was pretty happy… Until he smelled the bourbon…and saw the drunk kids. He then told me my name was going at the top of the Naughty List and was never coming off. I didn’t think it was a big deal, until I realized the naughty list transcends dimensions and I was on them all. So now I spend Christmas in the lay line, where they can’t find me.
Hope you all enjoyed the tale. A little rusty, but hey… got to knock it off somehow. Have a Merry Christmas you all, and here’s to a New Year!
December 20th, 2013: North Pole
A few days have passed since Santa had completed the Reindeer maintainer. He sat alone in a small work shop considering the last couple of days. Mrs. Clause had really laid into him a couple of nights ago. She was angry he had spent so little time with her. It had to be hard to be the wife of a holiday icon. A time when everyone should be with one another, and her own husband could not be around her. She told him that the last couple of days had been the last straw. If he wanted to be around his tinkerings so much he could go live outside in one of the workshops with them. So for the last few days he try to absorb in his work. The elves that now had a machine to make all of the complicated toys had to have him run it. Turns out they weren’t very good at using it. Which worked out nicely. it gave the old man something else to focus on.
As busy as he kept though making things to fill others with joy, that Christmas cheer had been sucked straight out of him. He sat in his workshop with a small fire going, on his second bottle of Nog. Nobody cared what he wanted. Nobody cared if he was happy. All everyone wanted was what THEY wanted. What THEY needed, or for that matter thought they needed. This was his holiday and he was sick of it. Maybe it was the Nog, but he was sickened by it. Such Greed! A holiday that was once meant for good will and joy….was now consumed. Taken over by Avarice. From Black Friday until Christmas was nothing but want…want…WANT. Day in and day out and he was sickened to the core.
Is this all I exist for? To fuel other people’s wants? What about what I want? Will anyone ever care about that? Ah Fuck it! Let’s just get through that dam night. A night filled with dumping off toys and gifts to those that don’t deserve a piece of reindeer shit. Somebody ought to give them what they really deserve…Someone should give them ALL what they really deserve.
As he thought this he polished off another bottle and passed out. That night he would dream. Not of toys and cheer….but of fire and hate.
I had something planned to post today, but I’ve been thinking a lot about things and have decided to give you all some heart-felt advice. To many times in life you are faced with decisions. Usually a choice has to be made between what will make you happy and what will make others happy. Some are simple…paying bills…going to work…etc. But some are very difficult because you end up weighing to many factors in. What will my friends think? What will my family think? Will society still accept me if I do this? So many different factors but never once factoring in the one thing that matters most…What do you want? It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter what your parents think. What matters is this…Is your choice going to harm anyone? Physically or Mentally? (And I don’t mean can they accept it, I mean does it REALLY harm them.) Is this going to hurt you? Does this make you happy? If your answer is No, No, Yes…congrats! You should know what you are going to do! Do what makes you happy…fuck the haters! Make yourself happy…because life is too short to worry about what others think.
Take this to your hearts Darlings! I will be back tomorrow with some more Madness!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,