Wow! it has been a really long time since I booted up the console to write for you all. Is there anyone still out there? No? Yes? Maybe? Well, which ever it may be I want to share a story with you all. It is Christmas after all. And while I don’t have much to give you all, I can give you the gift of a story. A Good story is sometimes better than gold to some. Keeping with the theme of Christmas I’ll tell you a Christmas tale.
Some of you may wonder, What does a Vonderlanian do for Christmas? Well, there was a time (Back when everyone was alive) that we had some rather magnificent holiday celebrations. Actually, they were a lot like the Christmas celebrations that you are celebrating today (in multiple time lines and endless dimensions across the verse). We even had a sort of Santa type character. Well he was more an old Elder God, but that is neither here nor there. So the real question is what do I do on Christmas? Easy! Jazmin and myself stay in the MORTIS on the interdimensional lay line. Why you may ask? Well because I am relentlessly stalked through some dimensions because of something I did a long time ago.This is my tale…
Malice and The Naughty List
A long time ago, before Jazmin was born, and I was a lot more fast and loose with my science (Not that I got any better, I was just worse) I was working on a really groovy animate formulae. I was on the verge of creating a formlulae that could animate anything with zero negative impacts. So close in fact that, I decided to take a break. It was Christmas eve and I had been working very hard. What better way to treat yourself then have some ginger bread cookies and egg nog? I couldn’t think of one! Well, I should have considered that I was working with some pretty dangerous stuff. If I would have maybe I would have tried drinking some non alcoholic egg nog (I do love me some egg nog and bourbon!)
I’m not sure when my break turned into a party, but it did. I mean… Not a huge party! About thirty people… Uh Anyway! Somehow in the scuffle I spilled a beaker of my formulae onto the gingerbread men. This went unchecked for quite sometime. Apparently long enough for the ginger bread men to animate and leave my laboratory. Also, enough time for them to attack a small homeless camp of maybe 100 homeless people (not small at all). This is where things got very weird…
I woke up in an empty lab. It looked wrecked. Like, the party may have gotten a little out of hand. That happens a lot, but I didn’t think anything of it. Smelled a lot like cookies. I ignored it because hey, better than how the lab smelled sometimes. I just thought it was strange no one decided to wake me up. I got a soda from the fridge and turned the TV on while i looked for some stuff for a sandwich. It was at that time I noticed something strange. Looked like there was some rioting going on in the city. Me being a curious little caat, I turned up the volume. It looked as if Gingerbread men were attacking everyone. I laughed thinking that this was a big holiday joke. That was until I put my hand on a tray that had some broken remains of a beaker and some cookie crumbs. Oops!
Away like a shot I poofed (Vaporated)! When I got there I couldn’t believe my eyes! It looked like something out of a zombie movie, but with cookies. The police were barricaded behind cars and sand bags trying to fight off a large hoard of gingerbread men (And I’ll guess women. Why not? I mean carnage isn’t sexist!) That wasn’t even the worst part though. What came next haunted me for about 30 seconds. One of the officers was trying to sneak around the hoard to get behind the barricade. Well a few noticed him and ran to grab him. The officer had just about made it through when one of the cookie men latched onto his leg with sharp peppermint teeth. He got through the barricade before it took out a chunk. I decided to poof behind the barricade to see what was going on . Maybe ask a few questions. There was a Sargent standing next to where I appeared. He was kind of slack-jawed and amazed, but I got him to snap to it and give me a run down of what was going on. While he was telling me, my eyes were drawn to the bit officer. He was screaming and convulsing.
It happened so quick. Another officer yelled he had been bit. Before anyone could react, the officers body twisted and shred away. He turned into a gingerbread man! Which then started attacking other officers…and they followed suit. I grabbed the Sargent and poofed to a nearby roof top. He was a little angry at first, until he realized there were no more of his “men” to protect. He told me how it started with the group of them from the homeless camp and how their numbers just grew and swelled as they worked through the city. No one really knew what to do. On bite and you became one of them. I began thinking of ways I could undo this. Really I couldn’t save anyone that had been turned. I just needed to figure out a way to stop it.
Apparently, I was deep in thought because I didn’t notice the Sargent turn until he lunged at me. I poofed out of the way, and that was probably good because his head exploded. It was then I saw the jolly shape of Old Saint Nick. Standing there with a smoking candy cane gun in hand. I went to say Hi, but he looked a little less than impressed with me. Some elves rolled out of his sleigh and took positions all over the roof top. He boomed at me. Some such shit about how irresponsible i was….blah blah blah… stupid curious cat…blah blah blah…you need to fix this. I explained I was thinking about a way to fix it when that last one attacked me. I heard shots around the edge of the building. The Gingerbread Men had decided to focus on us.
I’m not sure whether they just didn’t have enough ammo to match the numbers or they were just bad shots. But it wasn’t long until the elves were Gingerbread men too. Santa made it just in time to take off. I zipped up to him. That didn’t last long. He pushed me out of the sleigh. Good thing I can levitate. From up there I could see the situation was way out of control on the ground. On the bright side, everything smelled wonderful! I had to figure out how to take out all of these cookie monsters (Ha Ha!) If only I had some egg nog to help me…. THATS IT!!! I got on the phone to Minion and told him to get the high pressure hydro cannon. While he did that, I ran around like a Mad Cat getting all of the Egg Nog I could find.I loaded it all into the fluid chamber and then let the fun start.
I made my stand right before they made it to a big orphanage. Wave after wave came at me, and I blasted them to mush. Ate a few of them too. Man they were good. Almost sort of justice being served. Towards the end of the battle, it became a Maelstrom of ginger cookies and egg nog. I may have gotten a little carried away, because I flooded the orphanage. A many of child got completely trashed that night, but they were saved! All of them were put down, and the city was safe. Santa landed on the street behind me. Seemed like he was pretty happy… Until he smelled the bourbon…and saw the drunk kids. He then told me my name was going at the top of the Naughty List and was never coming off. I didn’t think it was a big deal, until I realized the naughty list transcends dimensions and I was on them all. So now I spend Christmas in the lay line, where they can’t find me.
Hope you all enjoyed the tale. A little rusty, but hey… got to knock it off somehow. Have a Merry Christmas you all, and here’s to a New Year!
December 25th, 2013 3:05am Los Angeles, CA
A path of destruction lay in Santa’s wake. It From New York all the way to LA. The city of Lost Angels lay right in his sights. All of the naughtiest of cities lay in complete destruction and this was going to mark his last stop on the North American leg of this tour. The military had tried to stop him many times, but found their own tech useless against this master tinkerer. “These naughty boys and girls think they can stop me? Ha! Forget a lump of coal…you’re all getting a lump of lead!” bellowed Clause.
As he draw closer, he could see the army getting ready to make a last stand as well. They surrounded the city with all they had. They would protect LA at all costs…too bad they wouldn’t be able to pay that cost. They centered all of their weapons on him and he on them. It wouldn’t be long before all hell would break loose. Both sides prepare to lay waste to one another, when out of no where…CRASH! A second sleigh slammed right into Santa’s. Santa grabbed his controls and straightened himself out. As he did this, the other sleigh come about. It was lead by three reindeer and one had a red nose. It was in shambles and covered in rust and scratched all to hell. The driver was head to toe in fur with two foot horns atop his head. With a snarl and a growl he reveal his sharp yellow teeth. It was the Krampus here to save the day.
“Krampus!? What are you doing here!?” asked a confused Saint Nick.
“What the Hell do you think you are doing Kris? This is a mess! Have you lost your damn mind or something?” yelled the beastly demon.
“Lost my mind? Krampus, you should understand how I feel. I didn’t understand you for years…now I do! The naughty deserve to be punished! Coal isn’t going to do it. The naughty list should be purged. That’s the only way.” yelled Santa
“Punished? How is this punishment? This is out right Genocide Kringle! No one can learn a lesson if there is no one left,” pleaded the beast. “You have to stop this Santa. I’m only going to warn you this once. Turn your self around and we will go talk this out.”
“I’m not going to listen to you! You’re just mad you never thought of this. Some enforcer you are. You stopped having my back years ago Kramp. Maybe if you would have stuck with it, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are!” Santa turned his eyes to the Hollywood sign. “This town will turn to ash, and you are going to watch it.
Krampus looked at his old partner in disgust. “You want me to take up my old mantle huh? Well what better time to start than now. Let’s do this then.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about! Let’s make them pay Krampy!” Santa said while drawing a saber and pointing toward the city. Just as he was about to open fire though, a mass of rusty metal chains wrap round him and the sleigh. Clause spun around in shock.
“I think you mistook me. You want me to enforce the naughty list? Hell here you go! You’re at the top of the list. As bad as you’ve been…a trip to hell ought to do you some good.” With that, Krampus let out a roar. A hole opened up in the Earth and fire spewed forth. “This is for your own good Santa! Merry Christmas to all and to all a better night. Krampus flew down into the hole, and as quick as it appeared it was gone again. The military couldn’t believe what they saw. In fact no one could. Today would be the day….the day that the Krampus saved Christmas.
December 24, 2013 9:30pm: New York, NY
Chaos…is the only way you could describe New York. New York was the first mark on Santa’s naughty list. He had only been there an hour. But in that hour he had laid waste to a good chunk of the city. The city was alive with the fires of war. The National Guard had tried to mount on offensive, but to no avail. They just good not stop this red, Yuletide Berserker. Now they just try to rescue as many as possible while rockets blazed over head. The top brass tried to formulate a plan, but to be honest, they had no idea what to do.
Saint Nick smiled down at his wonderful disaster. It had been so long since he had been so happy. “You didn’t want to believe in me. Now you can all fear me. Fear the name Kris Kringle. I’ll see this city burn to cinders before it’s all over with!” With a press of a button and payload of rockets took off in all directions. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all burn in hell!”
All seemed lost on this joyous holiday. Who was going to stop this mad Santa? Who was going to stop his murderous rampage?
December, 24th 2013: 1:32am, North Pole
The last few nights had Santa busy at work in the shop. Wit all of the toys finished and off to be wrapped, he was able to have the workshop all to himself. This gave him time for his new project. He had some things to fabricate and needed to make some upgrades to the sled. He had been in there the whole time with no sleep and hardly any food. He was finishing the touches on an improvement to the sleigh, when a knock came at the door.
The knock belonged to no other than Archie Cobblebox. ” Doors open!” He bellowed
“Santa? What are you doing out here in the workshop? I would have thought you would be getting some rest for later tonight?” asked the elf.
“Well, I just have some final arrangements I need to make. Some work needs done to the sled, and I have some last-minute gifts to make. Gifts for all of you,” said Clause with a deadpan voice. Something was very wrong with the holiday icon.
Archie looked at him sideways as he looked around the room. Everything was covered except for what Clause tinkering with on the sleigh. None of the shapes looked like gifts he had ever seen though. The smells didn’t match up either. Instead of warmth and fresh-cut wood…maybe a little stuffing and fresh fabric. All he could make out was steel, oil, and some other thing he wasn’t very familiar with. “Santa you know you didn’t have to make us any gifts. Why the new workshop was good enough. You made life so much easier with that.”
“Oh, I did huh? It is a marvel that machine. Makes anything as long as you have the specifications. Anything your heart desires…” he trailed off as he stared into his welding light. The light reflecting in his goggles.
The little helper was getting nervous at this point as he looked around the room. Curiously he tried to make out what St. Nick was welding to the side of the sleigh. He just couldn’t make it out. It almost looked like a cylinder with eight tubes positioned in it and was attached to a gear assembly. If only he could get a closer look. “Santa is there anything I can give you a hand with? Maybe make your night end faster so you can get some rest?”
He looked up from what he was doing. He just sat there staring at the elf for what seemed like an eternity. Then he spoke, “Sure thing!” He had a smile across his face. For the first time in a month he was actually smiling. Archie smiled with delight. “Hand me that wrench over there on the bench.” As Archie turned his back, Santa reached into the sleigh to the control assembly. with the flick of a switch, his device began to whir and spin. A laser dot lit up and he aimed it on the back of the elf. “You can help me calibrate this…” With the pull of a trigger…the elf was no more. The old man turned his head to the side. “Almost there.” He continued his work through the night.
December 20th, 2013: North Pole
A few days have passed since Santa had completed the Reindeer maintainer. He sat alone in a small work shop considering the last couple of days. Mrs. Clause had really laid into him a couple of nights ago. She was angry he had spent so little time with her. It had to be hard to be the wife of a holiday icon. A time when everyone should be with one another, and her own husband could not be around her. She told him that the last couple of days had been the last straw. If he wanted to be around his tinkerings so much he could go live outside in one of the workshops with them. So for the last few days he try to absorb in his work. The elves that now had a machine to make all of the complicated toys had to have him run it. Turns out they weren’t very good at using it. Which worked out nicely. it gave the old man something else to focus on.
As busy as he kept though making things to fill others with joy, that Christmas cheer had been sucked straight out of him. He sat in his workshop with a small fire going, on his second bottle of Nog. Nobody cared what he wanted. Nobody cared if he was happy. All everyone wanted was what THEY wanted. What THEY needed, or for that matter thought they needed. This was his holiday and he was sick of it. Maybe it was the Nog, but he was sickened by it. Such Greed! A holiday that was once meant for good will and joy….was now consumed. Taken over by Avarice. From Black Friday until Christmas was nothing but want…want…WANT. Day in and day out and he was sickened to the core.
Is this all I exist for? To fuel other people’s wants? What about what I want? Will anyone ever care about that? Ah Fuck it! Let’s just get through that dam night. A night filled with dumping off toys and gifts to those that don’t deserve a piece of reindeer shit. Somebody ought to give them what they really deserve…Someone should give them ALL what they really deserve.
As he thought this he polished off another bottle and passed out. That night he would dream. Not of toys and cheer….but of fire and hate.
December 5th, 2013: North Pole 6:30pm
With the list went over and preparations started, new problems began to arise by the hour. The days of wooden toys and simple plastic toys had been gone for ages. Now at the Pole they needed to keep up with all sorts of new technology and computers to keep all the boys and girls of the world satisfied. All it ever took was a bad piece of equipment and a days production could be lost. This also brought the moral of the elves down to all time lows. The did like to tinker, but circuit boards and computer chips were utter nonsense!
Santa was taking a bit of time to tinker in his own personal workshop. An excellent craftsmen, Santa could make anything out of the smallest of things….and they would do amazing things too. But, they were no iPhone or any of the new game systems he had just figured out how to make a week ago. So he took some time each day to just work on some things and calm his mind. He was just in the middle of completing a wonderful flying train when a knock came at the door. It was his head foreman elf, Maxwell Tinkerbe.
“Santa I need to speak with you a second if you don’t mind…” said the elf.
“Sure thing Maxwell, whats on your mind.” Santa said as he walked to sit down at his desk.
The elf made his way to a seat in front of the desk and sat. He cleared his throat and spoke clearly, “Santa, we have some complaints amongst the other elves. Now I know we are well into the thick of things, and you are a busy man, but we feel some things do need to be addressed.”
A look of confusion spread across his ancient face, “Really? What sort of things are going on? What seems to be the trouble?”
“Well, you see Santa…everyone is fed up with making these computers and game systems. Why can’t we go back to making simple toys? Why do we bend our will to the will of these spoiled kids? Shouldn’t they be happy they receive anything at all?” The elf looked down nervously when he finished.
Santa’s eyes widened. He had similar thoughts. but he didn’t realize the elves felt that way as well. “Do all of the other elves feel this way Maxwell?” he said shocked.
“Yes. Yes we do. We’ve felt this way for some time now, but it wasn’t until the loss of 20 elves last week that we decided enough was enough. These new electronic toys are just not meant for us to make!” The passion in his voice was rising as he got more excited. “We are loosing our friends and family trying to please these greedy children that shouldn’t even be on the Nice list! It has to stop!”
Santa was absolutely aghast. He couldn’t believe his eyes. “Maxwell, I understand your feelings I do. I took the loss of those elves as hard as you all. But we have to keep up with the times. If not then the kids won’t believe…and if they don’t believe…”
“We don’t care anymore!!” shouted the little creature. “We don’t care. And quite frankly, we are going to walk out if things don’t change. Let that sink in…” As he spoke he stormed out of the office.
Santa just sat there is disbelief. A walk out? he thought. What am I going to do now? I can’t have a walk out…What will the children think. All this negativity can’t end well…
December 1st, 2013: 8:30 pm North Pole
Twenty Five days out from Christmas and it was time for Santa to begin checking his list for the second time. He had been in his study all day, and the stress of the day was starting to take its toll on him. One of the elves entered the room with a glass of hot cocoa and a small dinner for the weathered Christmas Icon. For some time now he had been troubled by his work. Things weren’t like they were in the beginning. Children had changed so much, he had to modify what was considered Naughty or Nice. “I just don’t understand children these days at all. Back in the beginning it was pretty cut and dry who belonged on what list,” said St. Nick with a sigh. “Let’s face it though, if I didn’t grow with the times though, we would be out of the job. We can’t have that can we?” He looked over at the elf as he lay his tray on a side table. The elf only turn around and shrug his shoulders. Who was he to have an opinion?
Santa took his glasses off to rub his eyes a bit. “Well, I’d better go ahead and eat my supper. I still have a long way to go on this list. Have to be done by the third to get everything packed and settled by Christmas.” He turned away from his work to look at his meager meal. “You would think that I of all people could get a decent meal…” he grumbled. Mr.s Clause apparently was back on her diet kick from a few years earlier. Still though he carried on. This was an arduous task and he needed his strength. Just one thought lingered on his mind while he finished his meal…Is all of this really worth it? Is my heart still in it?