Ello there poppits. Your temp hosts Bartleby…
Here to bring you a list of the Top 10 most Gruesome Ways to Die. It took us a lot of digging in the graveyard, but I think we got a good list for ya’! First thought I’d like to tell you this is all coming to you live from the bedroom of Malice and Seras.
Yeah, the connection broke in the Crypt Boss so we had ta come in here.
They sure do have a lot of things in here don’t they? Did you look in the closet? Seras has a closet full of shiet! Oh hey they got a Risk board game! Let’s grab that for later.
Bartleby, I don’t think you ought ta be…
Pipe down you big nancy! I’m just having a look see…Oh wow it opened a secret passage! Would you look at all the….
….That’s a lot of sex toys…Let’s just get to the list huh?
Right! Here we go…At the top of our list countin’ down, we have Shot Gun Blast to the face! Didn’t take us long to find him.The corpse we dug up was one of Jonny “Two Fingers” Doger. Apparently he was skimming a little too much off the top of his dealers cash and met his end with a snap shot from a Mossberg.
Really a big mess he is. Teeth knocked right out the back of his skull. Very simple, but a real nasty way to bite it. I’ve got your number nine right here though. Number nine is from a bloke that didn’t know how to pay the protection money on his business to the mob. So he got a visit from a little thing called an earwig of the carnivorous variety. You may think, this isn’t gory, but it’s when you open up his skull that you see the real carnage. The little blighter carved out his own little nook in the brain matter and layed eggs. When the eggs hatched…well you can imagine…
His brain looks like a nice hunk of swiss cheese…Oh man…to top it off, he was alive through it all. Screaming in pain and no one knew how to fix it.
I got that beat with number eight though. You can’t really see what an earwig does without an autopsy. This one you could tell straight away. This one was a gang member that narced a the gang leader and got him put in the clinker. You see, his gang buddies found him and decided to bring the pain. Just started out as routine beating that would have ended in a shot to the head. However, the enforcer felt a little creative. He had two others hold this guy down and put about six sub way rats on his stomach. Then he covered em’ with a bucket and set small fire on top of it. As the heat started to rise, the rats needed a way out. So they found one…through his stomach. Two out the mouth, one out the back side, and another chewed through his chest like a chest burster alien. Came out right when the detectives were looking too!
Oh man that’s a bad one, but I got one an award winner here…a Darwin Award winner! Daredevils do a lot of stupid things, non more stupid than amateur daredevil Bucky Calhoun. Bucky was tired of jumping cars and going through flaming hoops. He had to do something so amazing, it would go in the record books. He wanted to find a way to fly. It started with the idea to hang glide over a dangerous chasm. Then it evolved to wanting to make that glider go super fast…rocket powered. Like I said though, he was poor. So he went and bought a whole shit load of fire works and strapped them to his back and all over the glider. On the day he performed the stunt, he thought nothing could go wrong. He jumped off the side and got to gliding around. Then he lit his makeshift rocket pack. It worked…like a charm. Too bad he forgot fireworks explode. One thing is for sure…it was entertaining.
Next one is courtesy of a druggie big shot keeping his stash where it ought not be. You see this guy Gorbatrov keeps his angel dust right out in the open so all can have when they come over for parties. Also to try to look like a big shot. unfortunately, things had been getting rough and he needed some protection. So he got himself some nice guard dogs. Wolf Hybrids…beutiful beasts. Well after he got them, he never learned to keep his stash put away. So…one night not too long after he got them, both dogs got into the shit. Man if fucked them up good. So good that they forgot how to obey commands…hell they didn’t even think he or anyone else was who they were. Nope they were seeing all kinds of shit. What ever it was delicious though…cause they ate ol’ Gorbatrov up…
Our next bit of carnage is one of my favorite enforcer tactics. The Colombian Neck Tie. What happens is, you get a fucking good stomping at the hands of your enforcer. Then, when he’s done and wants to make his example, he slits you from side to side giving you the ol’ big grin. Then they pull your tongue out the hole and lay it out on yer chest for all to see. Not many really want to mess with you after that. Interesting fact, they credit that move to Colombians and they werent the first ta use it. No it was actually an Irishman by the name of Murray “Hooligan” O’Reilly. In truth it should be called the Irish Neck Tie…Fun fact for ya…
Now that we are getting to the top of the list, it’s time for real gory stuff. Nothing scares people quite as much as nuclear power. Dave Adams was a humble 9 to 5′er at a state power plant. Did everything right and what was required of him. Never took risks. Sometimes, ya don’t have to take risks for the Reaper to find ya’. One day while at work they were having heating issues near one of the main reactors. He was sent in for a routine check-aroo…the area was cleared…everything went as planned…except for Rodney. Rodney was second-rate flunky that only took his drug habit seriously. Today he had just finished baking after lunch and went back to his post. Not caring to check in at all, he saw a heating vent was closed. Just so happens, Dave wasn’t visible and Rodney flipped the switch. It was too late once they heard the scream wail across the radios. By the time the vents were closed, Dave was a melty mess…and died only 6 hours later….
Oh man! Speaking of melting, this next one is similar, yet opposite. Let me take you back to a simpler time. A time before conventional thought. Late 1600′s it was pretty popular for villages and settlements to take out all of their problems on a local witch. You might of heard of the Salem Witch Trials. Some forget that shit appened’ else where as well. Take you to England in 1695, Emily Calhoun was found guilty of witchcraft in the town of Cheshire. Don’t look for this in history books because it’s been wiped. Brutal killing it was. See it was one of the only times that a witch trial got a real witch. And witches don’t tend to go down pretty. Kind of the reason I chose this one. You see they burned her at the stake. Sounds simple enough, cept for the fact she turned that small burning into an inferno that took down a good amount of area and killed 20 people. All of them burnt to a crisp black. Good ol’ Emily was the last to die, clutching her hands to the sky in anger. Supposedly her spirit still lingers there…and an odd amount of sporadic fires have appened’ there throughout the years.
Getting harder to top these ay’? Well I got a good one for number two. Really should have been number 1, but to be honest number one is a bit more brutal. This one in particular happened to a very famous person by the name of William Wallace. I ain’t gettin’ inta no history lesson here, but I will tell ya’ how that man died. He was hanged, drawn, and quartered. But saying that really gives you no depth to what the English did to him. We was dragged through the streets naked. Hanged, but then released just before he died. Then while alive he was disemboweled and had his twig and two berries lopped off. Then still while he was alive burnt his entrails before him. THEN, they cut off his limbs and his head. His limbs were sent two the four corners to be put on display and his head dipped in tar and placed on the London Bridge…Sort of a loud message eh?
This last one is only possible because of the mericle of heavy machinery.You ever seen the movie Fargo? Well, if you haven’t this one will still entertain you. Apparently, Asner Martinez was out doing some lawn work one day, extensive lawn work. He had cut down lots of branches and trees. After all that he needed a way to get rid of it all…why not make some mulch. He rented a wood chipper with little experience on how to run something like that (of course by little I mean none!) Everything went fine for the first twenty or so minuets. Why he was chewing up that mess left and right. Found it kind of fun he did! Until, a big chunk got stuck. When it did, he didn’t think much of it and reached in to grab it…it was still on. So when it roared back to life it dragged him in and out he came. Chewed him up without stopping and blew Asner chunks all over the yard. Coffin was a right mess.
Well that’s all you lot, we got to start cleaning up before Boss get’s home. This moron to me left crashed The Mad Tea Party the other day. Then when we was looking for a quick fix in the lab…I spilt some bottles…and made a right mess as well.
Right tell everyone Baxter sheesh..
Oh it’s not like Malice ain’t gonna know…
Spirits and Tonics,
Bartleby and Baxter
Well, a Happy Valentines Day to you all! Such a fun day today is, huh? Love is in the air! People get all wrapped up in Valentines Day…but does anyone really know of the bloody history? Does anyone stop to think of the origin of this holiday? Well I assure you, it’s not just a Hallmark Holiday, as most singles would have you believe…(Although they have cornered the market) No Valentines Day has a rich history thick with Blood that I’m sure you will all love to hear about. I think I’m going to start doing this with all Holidays…I love bursting bubbles!
The Origin of Valentines Day
Research has shown me there are two things that started this day. One is the Roman festival of Lupercalia and the other is the martyr of Saint Valentinus (Oh I do love a good Martyr Story!) In case you don’t know either story here is a little bit of a run down. The Festival of Lupercalia was to celebrate the founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus. To celebrate this joyous of days, they would sacrifice a goat and skin it. Then they would soak the skins in blood and run around slapping women in the face with the blood soaked strips! Apparently it made them more fertile. The Romans did a lot of silly shit didn’t they? Oh and they would also do a match making ceremony where women would put their names into a hat. Think of it like a sexy sorting hat…you know what never mind…Let’s nt bring Harry Potter into this. We don’t need a new meaning to Slytherin house.
The next part of the origin involves the death of the days name sake, Saint Valentinus. This guy even has two stories to his death! In third century, Roman Emporer Claudius II prohibited marriages to young men that could serve in the military. One story says good ol’ St. Valentine preformed the marriages anyway, was thus found out, and killed. Another story said he was imprisoned for helping Christians escape Roman concentration camps. Either way, while he was in jail it’s said he wrote the first Valentine note. Supposedly it was to a girl he fell in love with. The note was signed “from your Valentine.” The rest is history…
Further Blood Shed
Possibly my favorite story in the history of Valentines Day is the St. Valentines Day Massacre. On this day in 1929, Five members of Bugs Moran’s North side gang were lined up on a wall and executed. This would go down in history as the bloodiest of the gangland murders. It marked the beginning of the end for Al Capone, as this drew unwanted attention to him and his organization. He was arrested two years later for tax evasion. Had this not happened, who knows maybe the government would have never looked into him further. At any rate, you should look up more info when you can. Interesting bit of history if I say so myself.
Editors Note: I’ve been to an alternate time line where it wasn’t found out that Al Capone was behind it. I got news for you all, America is a very different place. Let’s just say that Republicans aren’t the worst thing out there. They may be silly, but they aren’t that bad when you compare it to an American run by the mob…Not a good alternate time line at all! I will say though it’s quite fun!
Well, I need to get back to my Seras. We are going to do things that are going to put the rest of the Psychotik Crew in therapy for years! Ever done it in a star dust cloud? Didn’t think so! It’s good to be a Cheshire Cat! Whether your with someone or not, do have some fun. To all of the singles out there, go find a one night stand (even if it’s manual or battery operated).
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Hello Freaky Darlings! I have a special announcement for you all. For once, one of my additional ideas for the website is panning out! I believe I mentioned it a while back, but we are going to have our own models for the site. Think of them like Encyclopedia Psychotika’s version of the Suicide Girls. Or like Suicide Girls meets Jager Girls. Difference being, we don’t conform to the norms of beauty. Pretty is pretty…Fat, Skinny, Back, White, Tan, Purple, Blue…Cthulhu help you if your turquoise (Nothing good ever came from those turquoise bastards from Planet Vaxtrum!) At Any rate I expect you all to give them a warm welcome and be sure to visit the Facebook to check them out. Like the page and show some love.
The Psychotik Girls are lead by our very own dazzling femme fatal Seras Psychotik. If you are interested in becoming a Psychotik Girl email email@example.com. Pictures on the Facebook page will be rated PG to PG-13. However, we may do some NSFW (Not Safe For Work…for those of you that are not up on the lingo) photos only available on the site.
Welcome Ladies….to My Madness!
Hey there, Freaky Darlings! It’s been a shame that things have been put on hold so long as of late. The holidays, coupled with laptop issues, multiplied by a multitude of complex humanish problems have left me overly exhausted and without energy…Basicly it’s time for a long trip to Orlando and copious amounts of absinthe. Either way the year is drawing to a close. We are literally only hours away for the new year and I have somethings I would rather like to share with you. One…is my New Year Resolution…It’s sort of the same as last year…or at least part of it. To keep furthering my goals….blah blah blah….The main one though, to stop holding on to childish things. To become more evolved as a person and stop letting little people, with small brains ruin my time. Not saying actually little people, but you know what I mean. It’s time to let some things go completely…MOVING ON!!
The next thing I would like to do is share some fond memories with you all. Lot’s of bad things have happened this year…I mean life has been inside, outside, sideside, and downside…never slowing down and more than determined to keep me down on my ass! Taking that into consideration, all the bad had me thinking about the good. I guess you could say this is a section to honor some great people in my life…also just some great times I had. Let’s list them shall we!!!
10. KuniCon/OtakuCon December 2004
This was the second convention I ever attended and it sticks out in my mind still to this day as being a crazy cool time. It wasn’t because the Con was off the chain or anything. Oh no, far from it. It was one of the most disorganized events I have ever been to. Nothing happened on time, everything was late. It took two hours to get our passes and we pre-registered. My costume was half done…regardless of the fact I managed to deliver on the friend that was supposed to help me’s props. But you know, I had a totally fun weekend. I had awesome hang out time with great friends. I belive I was around Todd Holt and Derek Underhill that whole weekend starting with the rave. Okay, just calling it a rave…doesn’t give it justice. That was an epic-neonic-super-overload of joy/happiness/ecstasy/rage/bliss…Rainbows spoke to me…That was also the first time…and unfortunatly last time…I got to see Select/Start. They are this awesome little group of musicians that perform all kinds of Game and Anime Music. They are great. I think that was the first weekend I recall me being me…
9. Universal with My Grandpa
Grandpa Psychotik was the first one to ever introduce me to the majesty that is Universal Studios. Without him, I would have never gotten to experience rides like Kongfrontation, Hanna Barbarra, or Nick Studios. My trips with him were always the best. He would come get me early as hell the day of and we would get there right when the park opened and didn’t leave until they kicked us out. He always made sure I got to ride what I wanted…and believe me..back in Uni’s hey day, that wasn’t easy! I remember waiting several hours for Back to the Future and Terminator 2: 3D. Heck, I remember when Islands of Adventure was just a dust bowl…then I remember a couple of years later him taking me there 6 months after opening. Your going to see Universal on this list quite a bit by the way…it plays a big part of who I am.
8. Summer Vacation with Granny
I could go on for days about my Granny Psychotik. That woman has done so much for me…it’s really not even funny. My best memories with her were the summers I used to spend with her in West Palm Beach…and then once more in Connecticut. She would always find something fun for us to do. Even though she had to deal with work all day, she always made time to come home and spend time with me. Some of the best times I remember involved The Palm Beach Science Museum, Seaworld, Star Wars Episode I, The Pequot Museum (I’m probably really spelling that wrong), various trips to the mall, and od course trips to Denny’s and Piccadilly (again murdering the spelling). She always taught me to enjoy the simple things in life. She really shaped this twisted little mind.
7. Jurassic Park Island
Not sure why…but when I think of specific beautiful places…Jurassic Park Island at night comes to mind. I have a lot of fond memories with friends and especially my Seras there. I’m not sure why…maybe because we always ended up winding down there, maybe because I love the movie, maybe because at night it is hands down a romantic little place…WHAT EVER THE REASON!! It always sticks out in my head and deserves to be mentioned.
6. Marching Band
Some of you may or may not know this…but i was a Band Geek in High School. Yes, before I fully awakened back in my skin as Malice Psychotik…I was the Bombastic, Shaggtastic Shaggy. I never really appreciated Marching Band until my Senior year. It’s been a part of my old life that I have always missed. The people, the equipment, the uniforms, the blood, sweat, tears, and the screaming crowd (NO DAMMNIT THIS ISN’T THAT FREAKING GARTH BROOKS SONG!!!) I’ve never been able to recapture that feeling of performing. It’s a shame my bands I’ve put together never stayed together. Would have been a great outlet…but then I would have never had time to open this glorious site. I have to say the all time favorite part…was winter bus rides home at night. Never a dull moment…and when it was…be damned if it wasn’t the most relaxed I had the pleasure of being in high school.
5. Grad Night 2005
2005 was a shitty year for me. On of the best things that happened was Grad Night. Disney is actually a pretty cool destination at night. Sort of wish they would have it open late at night for people like me who…prefer it that way. It was the first time I had been there since I was a baby…so really it was the first time. Brings me to mention my friend Whitney Wood. I believe that was the first time we had ever “Hung out” like that. I know I ran into other people that night, but we kind of duded it up the whole evening. Funniest part of the whole night was Space Mountain for the second time. We had no idea that the damn thing had two different tracks…let’s just say that first drop took us by surprise. I seem to remember something else that had to do with us Statler and Woldorffing a comedian. Great night…
4. That One Night at Oz’s
My friend Oz always had people at his house. It was almost like the unofficial party central there for a while. No other night sticks out as the infamous That One Night at Oz’s…It was after one of the particularly nasty Hurricanes in 2004. I needed away from the house and so did a few other friends…so naturally…we met at the one place we knew we could get away from all, Oz’s. Not sure what was in the air that night, but be damned if it wasn’t funny as hell. Between playing video games, watching Naruto, taking a pellet gun to a cock roach, or having the giggles for like 5 hours straight…we all had a memorable night. I miss nights like that…If you are reading this Oz…do know I miss that. I miss that Oz the most…
3. Andrew Albritton
I have too many memories to share about my dear Best Friend Andrew. Me and him have been through Hell and Back. We have had good times and Bad…but I can honestly say that this guy is a dude I will never forget and I’m glad to call him my friend and brother. Earliest memory I have is of me staying over at his house and us watching Austin Powers. I seem to remember Mrs. Pam getting us awesome chicken sandwiches from Burger King and us playing some type of mech game he next day. We always shared everything…DBZ, Gundam Wing, Final Fantasy, That one girl in high school…lolz! Yeah anytime spent with him was a memorable one…to many to name.
2. Little Psychotik’s Birth
So much bad had happened to us before Jazmin was born. I had lost two dear relatives, and was in a massive Car Accident that nearly killed us. My little girl coming into the world erased all of that. We even had a rough time in the hospital…but I remember every second of every one of those days perfectly. There is not one time that I listen to HIM and not think of Jazzy. She was even born in one of two cities Seras and I spent most of our time. So cool how so much ties together. Anytime I’m down I think of that and instant repairo! Good moods a comin’
1. Trips with Seras
My number one favorite memories are all of the trips I have had with my dearest Seras. Whether it was coming back from Jensen late at night, Universal, Sebring, or Tennessee…I always loved our late night car rides. Sometimes I would be so tired, but it’s like it didn’t matter I was where I wanted to be. I had a kick ass day or weekend…and that ride home was the icing on the cake. I always think of those times while listening to Dir En Grey, Marilyn Manson, Cradle of Filth, or Avenged Sevenfold. Probably because that’s what was in the cd player 24/7…lol…Always a good time though…I love you boo…
Well any way, next year is going to be a big year for the site…I hope…New ideas are starting to come together a little more rapidly. I wanted them to be already active, but things what they are…let’s say you have to break a few eggs to make a omelette. I’m sure you will all like it. I won’t gloat…it’ll jinx it…instead I’ll just say I’m sure you’ll like it
Until Next YEAR, My Freaky Darlings, (Had to go there!)
P.S Some honorable mentions are in need too. Not that they aren’t fond…I just don’t want to rename the list…and this isn’t Christmas anymore so 12 is a ridiculous number to use…
* My Brother Matteo Tullio- Dude anytime we have ever hung out…it turned to gold. You are right up there with Andrew. The other part of the Triforce man. I miss our early morning trips to Pogey’s…or the impromptu trips to Star Bucks out on the turnpike.
*The First Drop of Mansinthe- Words do not accurately describe that night. The most I can say is Friends Todd Holt, Seth Garner, Gerry Sparks, Heather Smith, Seras, and Me all tried Mansinthe for the first time. I, not having my bearings with me, mixed it on the high-end and made us trip balls bad! Like you’ve heard that song “Happy Together”? That was literally playing in our heads at the same time. We were all so very cat happy. All courtesy of Todd supplying us with Alcohol and Snuggy’s…and Seth raping his car…that was funny too! Good Times!
HAPPY NEW YEAR MOTHA’ TRUCKAH’S
As the day comes to an end I offer you a very fond MURRAY CHRISTMAS! No poems, no articles, no stories, or Krampus to boot….Just Murray Christmas to all…and to all a good night!
Well, I hope all of you are out to a good start for Thanksgiving Celebration. Who doesn’t love a holiday about consuming copious amounts of delicious food. A holiday grounded in gluttony….fabulous! OK I do realize there was that origin part with the Native Americans and the fellows with the fancy hats, but let’s be adult and call it what it is. You can be Thankful all you want, but at the core this Holiday has mostly lost it’s feeling. To be honest, observation will show today has a different meaning. To quote our new artist Lotta Pieces (You will all be meeting her very soon!) Thanksgiving is more like a Tailgate for the new American Holiday…Black Friday…which now starts on a Tuesday…(You humans are fabulously fickled!)
For those of you unfamiliar with Black Friday (and if you are, crawl out from the rock you are hiding in and do please join the rest of us in the light) is the biggest retail day of the year. This is the day everyone buys copious amounts of…ur…um…things…for the next big celebration Christmas…X-mas….or Winter Solstice…which ever you celebrate. Not to say people don’t use Black Friday to buy things for Hanukkah or Kwanza either…I’m loosing myself…ANYWAY…Biggest sale day of the year where copious amounts of things are grabbed up instead of being eaten up. How ironic a Holiday founded on Greed right after Gluttony (Why can’t we have more founded on the concept of Lust? Ha Ha!) So to the people preparing for the Black Friday Holiday, Happy Black Friday.
In all seriousness, Happy Holiday to all from us here at Encyclopedia Psychotika. Do attempt to be safe for the holiday and try not to kill anyone (Goes double for those of you going to Black Friday!) I’ll be enjoying the Holiday with my dearest Seras and the little Psychotik in our little hovel of a town. Getting out with the locals should be…different. I really must find a better place for us to reside…Now eat some fucking Turkey people!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Well, unless you have been living under a rock with tar poured deep in your ears and your eyes sewn shut….you know that Barack Obama has won another term in office…this Psychotik can’t be happier. The world is a lot safer now with out that crack pot trying to run it. (And that’s coming from me and I’m pretty sure I’m certifiable INSANE!) Wow, did I just say that!? See that’s the thing with this election, this one just seems like it has been different. Not sure if it’s the candidates, the amount of bullshit special interest groups, the fact that 99% of the GOP are whack jobs, The fact the Republican President Elect was a complete and utter numskull,or the fact the media has basically made the presidential campaign a sporting event…WHAT EVER IT IS!! It just seems to me their was a lot more riding on this one. Normally, I wouldn’t be compelled to write anything more than a couple of words on the topic, but this time round I feel a few more words are very necessary. I mean the fact that a weirdo like Romney made it as far as he did, has really shaken me to the core about the state of this great nation. How does someone who really knows nothing of how a country should be ran….or for that matter how to be a human being…almost get to become president? (Well not as close as that, he got killed with the vote…but I’ll get to that) I think what people needed more was to hear the Truth…Because if we only knew the Truth about it…Maybe we could work a way around it….(couldn’t help it!)
The Convenient Truth
Like I said, I find it very disturbing that Mittens made it as far as he did. The man clearly had a screw loose. How does a man go so far on thoughts and ideas that have no backing or proof and is constantly shown to be a liar? BLIND PEOPLE. FOLLOWING OTHER BLIND PEOPLE, FOLLOWING PEOPLE WITH AN AGENDA!!! You can not be pro-Obama, Hell I’ll admit that man ain’t perfect and has his fair share of bad ideas. But to vote for someone like Mitt Romney, who very obviously has nobodies interests in mind but him and his small group of friends based on the fact you don’t like Obama…is ludicrous. You do know there are other people running right? You do know the two-party system stays around because you won’t vote for anyone else right? Since when should we compromise our country, our home…because you don’t like this guy and the other guy is the only other choice. That’s like facing down to murderers, and your going to choose the guy with the Chainsaw because the guy with the machete isn’t dressed right!
I think the worst part is that the proof was right there what this guy had in mind…He didn’t hide it, or make it a secret…until it started to look real bad! Then he would look you straight in the face and lie! This man was anti-gay, anti-poor, anti-woman, anti-FEMA, (starting to think I’m singing Marilyn Manson’s “1996″)…
…The main bullet point you should take away from this is he was against a lot of things. Some of the ideas he had (Abortion, Rape, Foreign Policy, The Poor, The Rich, Taxes, Business Ethics) were totally out there and not based in fact at all. To perfectly understand this man, is to acknowledge the fact that he does not so much spout off facts…as much as he rejects reality and instead substitutes his own. Don’t take my word for it though…follow the yellow brick road:
Mitt Romney: 99 Facts
Politifacts: All False Statements Involving Mitt Romney
That’s just a few. A simple Google Search will reveal all! It just disturbs me to think of how many people will get behind the wrong guy when they are afraid…Historically speaking that has never been a good thing…no matter what plane of reality you reside…
People Are Crazy
Now that we have all of the serious crap out-of-the-way, let’s move to the nonsense category. You know humans are interesting to watch! Some of the stuff that they do is just, well entertaining to say the least. Examples? I have plenty! Like did you know a woman in Kenya had twins on election day? Not that weird or funny…unless you know she named one Barack Obama and the other Mitt Romney. Now Barack is understandable (His Dad is from Kenya) but Mitt Romney…just cruel! Or the lady in Chicago that was in line to vote and in labor. Not just in Labor really, but contractions 5 mins. apart “OMG should totally be in the hospital right now!” in labor. In Michigan a man tried to vote…died…was brought back to life…then voted. His first question when he was brought back?: “Did I vote?”
Seriously, you people are a laugh riot…but without you…their are no smiles or rainbows!
Election Night Ya’ll!
Last thing I want to mention and then I’ll go, did anyone else get the feeling the media made this election something it wasn’t? Like, they made it out to be a little closer to boost ratings. Here’s why I’m thinking this. When I first started watching the numbers roll in, I was kind of concerned. It was really looking like Romney had an edge. Then it’s starts getting neck and neck for a bit. I think about midnight was when I got the news the election was already called. Obama destroyed Romney by over 100 electoral votes and by over 3 million in the popular vote. Now to me, that says the media knew more than what they let on…they just tried dragging it out a bit. I can’t prove it…but I can think it…and that’s what I’m gonna do!
In closing what a crazy race it has been. Not near as entertaining as Ru Paul’s Drag Race, but still. And I do believe Ru said it best after the election on Facebook “Obama Shantae, You Stay. Mitt Romney…Sashay, Away.” I still think it would have been funny to have the whole thing decided by Obama and Romney having to lip sync for their life…but we can dream…and I am a dreamer. So to all of you Romney supporters out there that are going to send me hate mail now, I leave you with a thought from me and a quote from Ru Paul. Your candidate may have lost, but it’s not the end of the world. Don’t believe in falsehoods from corporations. This race was between more than what you knew. Be glad Corporate America didn’t win. “And remember girls, If you can’t love yourself…How the hell you gonna’ love anyone else? Can I get an Amen!? Play the music!” Why certainly Ru…Certainly!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
HELLO, MY FREAKY DARLINGS!!!
Yes fellow freaks, I’m back! Did you all miss me? I actually was so worried to look at the stats, because I thought you all might have up and forgot your dear pal Malice. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked today! This site has been the busiest it’s been in months. I guess it is true, absence makes the heart grow fonder! I’m sure you have all been wondering what I’ve been up to this whole time…I’ve been busy!
To start out my little offspring turned 4. We had a wonderful birthday party for her at Universal Studios Orlando. Doing that allowed us to see all of the new things the good people at Uni have added. Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem, The Cinematic Spectacular, and Universal’s Superstar parade. All fantastic new items and I urge you to experience them. Also got to see a little construction over where Amity once stood. Nothing at all to look at unless you get your jollies off looking at construction (A Huge Crane I’m sure turns at least one person out there on!) Let me see…OH! Beat Arkham City…that’s important. Also managed to do some work on some thing’s I know you’ll love!! Hee Hee Hee! Anyway I just wanted to announce I’m back and your Madness will resume soon! STAY TUNED!!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
I know I’m on hiatus, but hey I had to come on here to wish all my parental Freaky Darling’s a Happy Father’s Day. I hope you all are having a great one, I know I am! Wish I didn’t have to go into work tonight, but alas I need to make that “fat cash.” If your reading this and are currently saying, “Oh Shit! I forgot Father’s Day and my Troll Dad is going to freakin’ kill me!!!” Fear not! Halloween Horror Nights has updated their page. It’s nothing flashy, but you can pick up your dear Ol’ Dad some tickets to the most glorious Halloween event of the year! Maybe even pick him up a Annual Pass to Universal Orlando. Currently the new Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem ride is in a soft opening stage. The only way you can get in the park an hour early AND get a crack at it before the crowds is to have an annual pass. Other than that, the ride should open July 2nd. Or maybe yet, pick up some advanced tickets to the new Amazing Spider-Man flick. I picked up a world premier disk from Wally World this morning with a new scene and some behind the scene features. I have to say it has instilled some faith in me. I don’t think it will be awful. Most likely better than the new Batman (don’t get me started!)
Until next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
p.s Did you like how I managed to give several updates while wishing a Happy Father’s Day? Yeah I’m that epic…
Hey there Freaky Darlings. I realize things lately have been sparse. I was doing so good, it hurt so much to fall behind. really it was a lack of content meets a cross roads. You see I feel that I’m falling behind on my primary goal for the site. The original goal for this site was to host my different series here in an effort to get picked up and published. Not to mention that fact that it’s becoming very apparent I need not only a break, but a need to work on my home life. I’ve not balanced it very well. So as much as I hate to do it…I need to put things on Hiatus.
The bright side is when I get back I will be refreshed and ready to go. Not to mention you are gonna have some real kick ass content coming up. For now though this process:
PARDON OUT STAR DUST…WE WILL BE REACHING FOR THE STARS…GET READY FOR SOMETHING INCREDIBLE
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings
The other day I told you the weekly rage comic for the week was inspired by an event involving some vacuum salesman. I have to share with you the whole story. It’s rather entertaining. I would also like to add that this is probably going to be a far cry from the write up they thought they were going to get. Not to say that the salesman were all bad. They were pretty cool. However, the company they worked for screwed them over from the get go. False advertisement never bodes well with the consumer, just a FYI.
First the hustle! So get this phone call from a company called American Eagle. According to them they are moving into the area, and wanted to give a few people free cleaning and see if they could spread their reputation around a little. To explain why I fell for it, there actually is an American Eagle carpet cleaning company in the next city over. So, why would it be hard to believe a company like them could be moving in? Apparently, it should have been harder to believe than what it was. Still though I was swept up in joy. The little Psychotik had a birthday party that weekend. It was going to be nice having the carpets cleaned professionally at no charge. Lesson learned, if it’s free…it’s probebaly not worth it!
I set the appointment up for that Wednesday, and I thought everything was going to be awesome. When they showed up to the door, I saw now van or heavy equipment. Just two guy with two bags. That’s when I noticed, their bags said Kirby! I had heard of Kirby vacuum salesman…nothing good I assure you. I was like, ”Hello? How can I help you?” They explained they were from American Eagle and that they were here to demonstrate the Kirby vacuum for me. I explained to them what I was told. They never really seemed to acknowledge that fact. Still the started the pitch and the demo. I have to say, the vacuum portion for the time being was pretty impressive. Or seemed to be. You see they used these little white disks to catch the dirt to show you how much it was pulling out of the carpet. They also had to vacuum for quite some time to get it “Clean”. And being in since they were only using the disk, for all I knew that could have still been the same amount my vacuum pulls out. I let them go on though, they were doing something and I didn’t have to. When we moved to mini-Psychotik’s room…thats when things got lengthy. They vacuumed out the whole thing, then proceeded to show me the carpet shampoo feature. It did pretty good. About as good as a Rug Doctor, but pretty good. Now supposedly, it was supposed to dry in an hour and a half (that was after being told on the phone 30 minutes.) They thought they had me. Especially when I asked them how much they wanted for one. Apparently the bestthey could do for me was $1000…Sorry gentleman but I have way better things can do with $1000 dollars than purchase a substandard vacuum with a few bells and whistles. You may be asking yourself were this came from? It seemed as if I was okay with it. Let me tell you why it’s substandard…
My professional evaluation of the Kirby vacuum goe as follows…it sucks and my sinuses hate it even worst. As good as the thing appears to clean, it lacks a very important element of todays current cleaners…a filtration system. Hell, you can go to Walmart right now and for $30 get a vacuum that at least has 3 filters. One of them at least being a hepa filter. The Kirby had none and we all paid for it in the night and day following. You see darlings, no matter how good a vacuum is, if you have no air filters on it, your just throwing all of that deep cleaned mess into the air. That was strike one, here goes strike two. Remember when I told you the floor was supposed to dry in 1 hour and a half. It didn’t fully dry until Friday afternoon. I seriously almost took my Bissell over it just to dry it up. It was ridiculous. And he spent forever on it making pass, after pass, after pass to dry te floor better. The last strike of course is the price tag. I could take $1000 and buy an awesome Dyson and a Rug Doctor and still have some money to play with. No to mention that fact they may last longer.
Lesson learned, if a company offers you a free cleaning ask more questions on the phone. It’s a shame that they couldn’t have been more honest.I still don’t think I would have turned them down if they would have been more honest with me. Now I would, because I know what their craptastic vacuum does to my sinuses! Originally though I would not have. Well, that’s all the time for today. By the way, I’m not late with a review of Marvel’s The Avengers, I have not been able to see it yet. No cash equals no bueno. I do have every plan to go see it this Thursday though. So look for it about Friday.
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
p.s Never look for Kirby Vacuum cleaners on the internet. Now everytime I go looking for an image of Kirby for the site, it redirects me to a fucking vacuum site. FUCK YOU KIRBY!!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
Good Evening, Freaky Darlings! It’s time for the weekly rage comic! This one was inspired by my experiance with Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence and long time Encyclopedia Psychotika fan Joe Edenfield! Enjoy!!!
Not a True Story…lol
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darling,
Happy Easter, My Freaky Darlings! it’s a wonderful day in the Psychotik neighborhood. You know I tried finding you all some interesting tidbits about Easter for this article. Sadly, I can find none! Really I was trying to find out where the hell a rabbit that lays eggs became the head of a religious holiday. Truth be told, it looks like absolutely no one knows. Best I can tell the Rabbit (or as in the old German tales…Hare) is mostly from German Myth. If I read correctly it had something to do with the way people wanted to celebrate traditionally, but not traditionally? At any rate, America was the one that finally made it commercial in the 1800′s. The coloring of eggs was the most interesting I found info on. You see, the reason they ended up doing so much with eggs has two parts. One had to do with the fact there was some kind of fasting holiday right before. Since everyone fasted, there was an over abundance of eggs. Second part had something to do with the adoption of a pagan spring ritual. The eggs represented fertility, and the bright colors came from dying the eggs with the fresh spring flowers. Other than that, the trail runs cold….except for one interesting thing!
As you all know, I do love the Krampus. But why isn’t there a version of the Krampus for Easter? I searched and searched and search….sure enough! I found it!!! Do any of you remember a little movie called Dogma? Do you remember the Golgothan? Well that’s it! The Golgothan Shit Demon is the Krampus of Easter. You see, the Easter Bunny took over the Holiday, much like Santa did Christmas. And as Krampus is the opposite of Santa…the Shit Demon is the same to Easter Bunny. Let me catch you up to speed with a quote from the Muse:
“Yeah, well it wasn’t just Christ up there – the Romans crucified everybody on that hill. And Christ excluded, they were all criminals – killers, brigands, thieves, rapists. And whenever the crucified expired, their bodies would naturally lose muscle control, spilling bowel and bladder in the process. And the result is that walking pile of crap up there: the Golgothan Shit-Demon – Hell’s chief assassin. And he’s here for you, girlie.” Serendipity, Dogma
Now that you know “What” the Golgothan is…let me tell you where he fit’s in. You see…He’s not really an assassin for Hell…Oh No! The Golgothan punishes children for being bad. If you have been a little brat between Christmas and Easter (Which some kids are…Hey Santa already came they don’t have to start being good until at least July!) Easter Bunny doesn’t visit you…he does. You know what he does? He leaves you a basket…a basket full of steamy, ripe shit! The worst part is, your parents don’t believe in the Golgothan…SO THEY BLAME IT ON YOU!!! You get Shit all over the place and you get blamed for it! Plus your parents will most likely make you clean it…you loose all around! So, remember kids…be good….JUST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE GOOD!!!
This is all just in good fun. In no way am I poking fun at anyone’s religion. I believe everyone has the right to believe in what ever they so please…unless it’s diehard Creationism…THE EARTH IS OLDER THAN 6000 YEARS!!! SCIENCE PROVES THIS!!! SCIENCE ALSO PROVES WE DIDN’T RIDE T-REX’S LIKE FUCKING PONIES!!! I do wish everyone a Happy Easter regardless of how you celebrate it! And as for the Golgothan…thats Kevin Smith’s brain child…and he can have it!!! So, don’t worry there is no poop in any childs basket…unless their parents are into that…or you believe in The Easter Bunny like in the movie Hop. Cause in that case, all children have poop in their basket!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Hello, my Freaky Darlings! I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is after all of these years of trying I have hit the big time. Yep, Good ol’ Malice will be joining the ranks of those fine people at Fangoria Magazine! Turns out they came across a few of my interviews, and loved them. Looks like it’s sure to be easy streak from here on out! Now for the bad news…
The bad news is, my brand is bought. Yep, I’ll have to shut down the site to work there. No more HHN News, No more reviews….Nothing. TO TOP THAT OFF…I will be moving to Dublin, Ireland. So, I take this time to say Good Bye to friends and family…I love you all not nearly of you as much as I should, and love a lot more of you more than you deserve.
Inclosing, I have but one final thing to say…..
Are you kidding me? Like I would sell out!? I couldn’t leave you guys! I know you all (All 5 of you) couldn’t live a day without me. I am trying to hit it big time, but I’m not willing to sell who I am or my brand. Yeah, I know this was cheesy and you all saw through it…and The above would be awesome as hell…and I just made myself sad…but
Hello, my dear Freaky Darlings! It’s a wonderful Friday afternoon is it not? Well I don’t know because I’ve lately had to regress back to a semi-nocternal state. You know with work and all…Anyway, I would like to take some time to give a shout out to some good friends of mine!
Now, you might think from the title of the article that this may have something to do with the an odd subject matter… If that’s what you guessed you might be right!!! (Just in the wrong way) No, this has nothing to do with Placebo’s one-hit wonder song “Pure Morning”….However, it does have everything to do with Master Artist Matt Garner and his wife Craft Mistress Heather Garner. You see, the two mentioned are bringing into the world, a mad man of their very own breed and pedigree. (hoping of course that it is a breed that doesn’t drool, mess the floor, bite, or otherwise hump your leg!) Really this couldn’t happen to better people! The two of them are going to make great parents. Unfortunately, Tragedy has struck our beloved duo, as bad things usually do to good people! So instead of being able to enjoy a little bit of time worry free, they find themselves struggling!
Good thing for them, they are talented! Both have a website of their very own advertising goodies for sale. Matt’s site can be found =>http://questionthemajority.deviantart.com/. Matt is an excellent artist and can draw just about anything. And for the price, how can you refuse?
Next, we have the lovely Heather Garner with her web store.=> http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/studio/OddmentsandTweaks/4/1/0/ Heather is a very talented woman. I actually had the pleasure of buying some of her marvelous crafts this past Christmas. I’ve seen even more of what she is capable of outside of whats on the website. She is a true genius of the trade.
These twof ine speciemen of humanoid could use some help. Stop in and buy something nice for you or yours! If you’re not interested, pass it along and see if someone else is. Pay it forward loves! A little help can go a long way Darlings….AND BY THE WAY….Incase you all didn’t catch from the Facebook Page…The Psychotik’s have recently gotten off of vacation. A couple of days ago to be exact! I’m currently trying to resort things out as it were. With two sick female Psychotik’s and a heavy work load at work…well it’s hard to push content…BUT DO EXPECT SOME SOON!!!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
P.S. Be sure to check out Matt Garner’s Ask Dr. Robotnik Tumblr…You will laugh until you die and then you will die some more….or is that laugh some more…same diffrence…
I would just like to take a little time out of the day to wish all of my Freaky Darlings a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday. Whether you belive in Jesus, Santa, Cthulhu, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster…I do hope you are having a most excellent day! So far the day is well. The little one was spoiled by Seras and Myself as well as Santa….as per usual! lol I’m currently enjoying the Magic that is the Roku 2 XS. I’m in love with this little box! Wish I was done with Arkham Asylum because I now have Arkham City. hoping to enjoy some dinner with the family a little later.
As far as content goes for after the Holidays, I have some pretty good stuff planned for you all. I have interviews coming up that I know you all will enjoy! So everybody stretch out, enjoy your loot, veg out, get fat, and be merry! It’s Christmas for crying out loud!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ENCYCLOPEDIA PSYCHOTIKA!!!
I would like to take some time here just before Midnight, to make a Happy Birthday wish! Happy Birthday to Joe Edenfeild of Okeechobee, Fl!! This man was the very first fan to the site, the first person to add the fan page, the first person to sign up for E-mail updates….(the first to show up at my mock convention event!!! Ha Ha!!) At any rate he has always been one of my top supporters along with a few others. It’s been a whole year since this site first went active and Joe has been there the whole way. Thank you Joe for all you do and I hope your birthday was a good one brother!!!
To the rest of my Freaky Darlings out there, I have some interesting things coming your way…and all though the last month has been pretty quiet, I have had a moment of clarity (A moment I’m sure I will share with you!) and am feeling a lot better. So prepare yourselves!!
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,
Well, with Mother’s Day winding down to a close I feel that I should make a small post. A small post wishing all my Momma’ Freaky Darlings a very Happy Mother’s Day. Most of all though, I want to wish the First Lady of Encyclopedia Psychotika one more time Happy Mother’s Day…
Seras Psychotik, oh what that name means to me. A Mother, a Warrior, a Damn good cook, and what a sweet ass…My day would not be complete without looking upon you. You are my muse, my passion, my ultimate desire…Thank you for being you my love…
Hope all went well with everyone’s day…Here’s to next year…
It’s that time of year my freaky darlings! The Chaos is almost over. The last call has rung at most of the stores. If you don’t have it you won’t get it. All you have is tonight and tomorrow, then Christmas is out-of-the-way and the drunken debauchery that is New Years Eve is next. I would just like to take the time now to say something of great importance. A cautionary tale if you will…Beware of the Krampus!
What is the Krampus you may ask? The Krampus is a very old accomplice of our very own Santa Clause. You see the Krampus was who naughty children saw instead of Jolly old St. Nick. Apparently the story goes, if you were a naughty child, The Krampus would come in the middle of the night and beat you with a large hickory stick and a rusty chain. If you were really rotten, he would take you in his sack, and drag you to hell…I’m so not shitting you. To make it worse this is still a current story in most places! Now there are different variations of the Krampus, but this about sums the creepy asshole up.
Now I know most of you out there are scratching you head and calling me full of it, but I assure you he’s not. Google it! At any rate, I wanted to make sure all My Little Freaky Darlings out there knew of this beast. So if you have a little one, makes sure you tell them what Uncle Malice said: If you’re a bad little rotten egg of a brat, the Krampus is going to kick your ass and poo in your stocking (You can leave out the drag you to hell, I want your kid to actually sleep tonight and not shoot you when you walk in the bedroom) I love you all, and have a Merry ChristmaHaunaKwanzika! What ever you celebrate, I hope you have a good one!
p.s. No I did not go back in time and make this up…not that I know of yet
Yes, you read right My Freaky Darlings!! I’m going to be expanding content very soon to include a little more of the Psychotik touch. The first expansion I’m hoping to get working into before the end of this month. It will be a web comic of the likes you have never seen (And if you have seen it, it’s ten million times better). I’ll break it down for you:
Shaggy and Todd: In the future the world is run by the corporations. Metro cities have sprung up all over the country. Gangs run wild and plenty! In all of this madness, law enforcement and military can’t keep up. Do to the rise in crime, a new set of enforcers have stepped up to the plate: Bounty Hunters. These bounty hunters are fueled by the powers of advanced technology and genetic alteration. With all the chaos in the world, who will stand up? Who will defend the innocent? Who will right the wrongs? Who will stand strong against the evil of the Corporations and the crushing might of the gangs? WHO WILL BE THERE TO BLOW SHIT UP!? Shaggy and Todd are there to answer the call! Two genetically altered action junkies fueled by the desire to kick-ass, make money, and incinerate a city block in the process! You will see Evil Corporate Slim, Twisted Chemists, Insane Engineers, Clown-Motorcycle Gangs, and Super Powered Female Nazis!!! It’s an action packed thrill ride that you won’t want to miss!! So, grab some pop-corn, a soda, and cuddle your favorite explosives! Shaggy and Todd is sure to blow your mind!!
“It’s a Psychotik World“: Tired of your usual animal show? Ghost hunting shows seem a bit stale? Then does Encyclopedia Psychotika have the enema for you!!! Enter “It’s a Psychotik World” where your host (yours truly) takes you on a wild journey to find the worlds most elusive creatures and most terrifying specters! See as me and my crew hunt down the mighty Skunk Ape or catch us as we investigate a haunting that will leave you wanting more. Anything is possible in this messed up world! If it’s out there, we will find it (or make a fool out of ourselves trying)!
Tales from the Malicious Mansion: So long time followers of the site are probably VERY excited to hear this announcement! Tales from the Malicious Mansion is going to be a collection of short stories that you will DIE to read more! These tales are not for the fait of heart (and for some not the week of bladder)! See the horror genre taken back to its roots and rediscover terror. From twisted butchers to chainsaw wielding maniacs to a couple with a penchant for murder, these tales are guaranteed to have you begging like a zombie begs for brains!
These are the big things that I’m wanting to come your way soon enough! I’m sure you will enjoy all of them. I will still be doing interviews, reviews, and a few movie news reports (I realize I’ve been lacking in that department, but get ready for some soon). You may have also noticed that there is no Dusker of the Month this month. No I didn’t forget, you can kind of consider it Mr. Chainsaw and Ricardo Del Muerto. There interview with me posted a little while back on From Dusk Till Con. I will be posting the re-run of that article this Monday for all my freaky darlings that may not have caught it first time round! I’m cooking up a few reviews for you right now, movie and game! So be prepared for those to be coming within the next couple of days! ALSO be sure to keep an eye out for an interview with the newest member of the Madhouse!!
Until Next Time. My Freaky Darlings,
P.S. I would like to take some time right now to thank all of my readers and the people who have helped me on my way this whole time. Thank you Mr. Chainsaw for getting me to do this in the first place. You took a chance on me, and so far it looks like a good one! I promise I won’t let you down, and this relationship between the sites is going to turn into a MASSIVE juggernaut! Thank You to all of the celebs that I have interviewed! You have all been great. It was so great getting to chat with all of you and I hope you keep us updated so my readers and I can keep up! Thanks to all of my friends out there that shamelessly spread the word! I love you guys! Thank you to Joe for giving me at least one view a day! Back when the site would be lucky to get one view a day, I always knew who that one view was!! Thank you to all of the readers out there that have been blowing up the site and viewing like crazy! Without you guys, there would be no point to my typing! Thank you for reading, and I hope you stay with and spread the infection! Adding in another special thank you…THANK YOU TO THE DUSKER NATION!! You guys are awesome and I will never forget my roots! Expect Dusker of the Month to resume next month! Last and finally I want to thank my girls, Seras and Jazmin. Without you there is not a whole lot of point for this madman to exist. Thank you for helping me through sleepless nights, and putting up with my grumpy ass the next morning! Thank you everybody for the last 5 months and here’s to years more! If you are reading this, know that Malice Psychotik loves you all!!!
Hello, My Freaky Darlings…
Well as some of you may know I had a few plans coming up in October. I was going to Spooky Empire’s Ultimate Horror Weekend. There I was going to get some really good interviews, catch some really good shows, and review a convention. Life it seems has interrupted those plans! That is not what fate has chosen to put in my way. I’m a little disappointed. I was looking forward to meeting some good people and delivering My Freaky Darlings some pretty cool interviews. As those aren’t happening, I do apologize. There is still some rather cool coverage coming up from some rather epic people. But as far as the extra-special cool interview I originally promised you, it is no more…….but did you really think i would let that stop me My Freaky Darlings…..
This Mad Man is cooking up something monstrously epic for you! It’s time this Psychotik goes back to his roots. Back to the start of where my October fun came from. I’m going to offer you an epic review, but it’s going to be on something I’m an expert at. As far as interviews go, hang on to your freak hats, because I’m lining up some stuff I’m sure to impress. My plans might have been changed, but I’ll still deliver you the madness you crave….Hang on to your seats, this is going to be a truly FRIGHTENING ride!
P.S. I hope you all enjoy the new layout….
OK, so I was very brave the other day. I tried a meal that was so strange, I couldn’t belive my taste buds. Before I tell you the details of how to make it, I’ll tell you how the idea sparked.
So the other day I was talking to one of my partners in internet social corruption, The Primal Root. He was telling me about his plans for the night, when he mentioned he was going to have his favorite hamburger treat. It was a Hamburger topped with banana, pineapple, and peanut butter! I was just dumb founded. How do you figure out these things go well on a hamburger? It was then I made the solemn promise to try this for myself. After all, I pride myself on the unusual tastes that I myself posses (Oriental Meatloaf anyone…?) I even said I would make it a custom meal devoted to tastes inspired by him. I added to this meal a drink Root introduced to me a couple of years back, called the Stiff Root. What was the verdict?
Absolutely delicious! The Flavors in this meal were off the chart! The hamburger had such a different, but very cool taste to it. The peanut butter, pineapple, and banana’s complement each other so well…it was divine. Couple that with a nice glass of Stiff Root and a side of Nathans fries…it was just awesome. Want to make one of your own?
It’s important to know I will never give you exact measurements on spices. I myself do not know how much i put in. I just season to taste.
The Root Du Jour
1) Mix 1bs hamburger meat with one egg, onion powder, garlic powder and pepper in a bowl. Roll into balls and then make into patties. It will yield 4 medium-sized patties. Cook them on a skillet on high heat to preference.
2) Spread peanut butter on both sides of the bun.
3) Cut banana into slices. Place on the peanut butter.
4) Spread pineapple on top. I used Crushed, but really it doesn’t matter.
5) Serve with Nathans fries and a Stiff Root
Stiff Root is Half and Half Jagermeister and Root Beer Schnapps. Serve in a glass for full effect.
If your brave enough to try it, I promise a good meal…and a pretty good buzz too!
To know me, you would know I come up with some rather interesting thoughts. I figured, why not take the time and share those ideas. So, the other day I sat down and wrote some of the first things that came to mind. Just some random ideas that I figured I could explore here for you all to see. This is what I came up with:
1) What if Japanese Anime was real life?
Could you imagine? Think of all the endless possibilities. Now the reason I didn’t isolate it to one anime for a reason. Just in general. Japanese Anime brings to life some of the most creative, impossible ideas I have ever seen. Wether it is a teenage girl being transported to feudal Japan via a well (Inuyasha), or an alternate universe where Alchemy triumphed over Physics (Full Metal Alchemist) . It would all make life very interesting. Even worlds like Poke’mon or Yu-Gi-Oh! would have potential to spice up life a little. Come on a world where all of life’s battles are solved with a dual between super powered monsters, or a card game? Much better than what we have right now, that’s for sure. For the sake of discussion though, why not limit it down to three worlds I think would be fun. I say I have to go with Naruto, Bleach, or Full Metal Alchemist. Why those? Simple really! Ninjas are freakin’ awesome! Watch or Read Naruto and that will paint a much bigger picture for you. Bleach? Well I’m already a believer as far as the paranormal is concerned. Taking that idea, and coming up with a secret group of “Soul Reapers” to hunt down the good and help them pass, and vanquish the evil…..well intrigues me. It’s like they are souped up Ghost Busters.Only instead of a proton pack, they use their very own spiritual energy. Finally, we come to Full Metal Alchemist. This story is a lot like us anyway. Hell, the whole world is supposed to be a parallel universe to our own. The difference, Alchemy advanced further than Physics. Same world, funn-er science. Works for me!!
2) What if I came to work dressed as The Joker?
I’m interested to know. Honestly, I expect a lot of strange looks from old people. But would it make people nervous. What about the really rude people? If you got all “Joker” on them, would they really keep running their mouth?. I could see it now, “Listen buddy! I want you to get your ass back behind the counter and shut your fuckin’ mouth!” “How about a magic trick instead? I’m going to make this pencil….disappear…” Even something as simple as them starting to cuss you out, and just giving the those familiar looks would be a gas for me! I’m sure in a day you would have some people questioning your mental sanity, but on the complete positive side, you may have one of the least stressful days of your life. “You idiots never get anything right! I don’t know why I come back here, because you are all a bunch of Fuck Ups!!” “You wanna know how I got these scars?”
3) How great would it be to put an angry badger in the back seat of someone’s car?
I’ve heard of people putting anything from snakes to spiders in someone’s car. However, I have never heard of someone putting an angry badger in someone’s car! I for one am for this! I could just imagine someone getting off of work. It’s been a hard day, they’re tired. They get into the car, lock the door, and start the car. Then they hear it, the low pitch growl of pissed off badger that has been in the car for at least on hour. They turn to grab the door, then it’s to late, the badger unleashes hell. This is the kind of situation that you wait around the corner with a video camera, because this HAS to go on YouTube. I see it going viral within an hour. The real question is, who gets this done to them. It has to be someone that has REALLY pissed you off. I don’t really think the badger would kill them (Then again I don’t know much about badgers other than they are cool and real easy to piss off) Still, the thought alone makes me laugh. “Whats that sound…? OH GOD IT’S A FUCKING BADGER!! GET IT OFF ME!! GET IT OFF! WHY GOD!? WHY!!!!?”
4) Has anybody’s life been saved by House?
Some might say this is a ridiculous thing to think about, but I beg to differ. That show deals with so many long shot cases and exotic disease it’s hard to belive how it couldn’t. Now I know Hugh Laurie hasn’t personally saved anyone like that, but surely there are real doctors out there that watch the show. I just wonder if there ever has been a person that went to the E.R with on of these of the wall illnesses, and because of the show, it was recognized. For example, Johnny Trainwreck over here goes to the E.R and they can’t figure out whats wrong with him. He’s been in for 2 days, and he’s declining. This guy is dying fast. Then a doctor (Let’s call him Dr. Television) goes, “Oh my God! I just figured it out! He has the same symptoms as such and such, so on and so forth, from House the other day!”
5) Why are there no Pocky vendors at horror conventions?
You know I think this is the one thing missing that could quite possibly set the difference between an awesome convention and a truely epic convention. If you’ve never had Pocky, you haven’t lived! It’s the greatest treat ever invented. Almost like the recipe was created by God him/herself and delivered to this life to give all a true taste of heaven. Maybe I’m over exaggerating a bit, but they are really good. And there are literally hundred of different types. All kinds of flavors and styles. The only thing that could top it would be having Ramune with it! And before you all start saying, “But Malice, those belong at anime conventions!?” Well I say fuck you in your conservative, right-wing ass! I want my Pocky and Ramune! Something that delicious should not be limited to just anime conventions. I mean, are you really going to let the anime conventions have ALL the fun!
Well that’s all I really have to ponder about for now. Not really sure what you should be taking from all of this, but then again you don’t either so I suppose we are even.
Until Next Time, My Freaky Darlings,